The Diary That Was Long Overdue

May 13th 2012

I stopped writing last time on the account of a disturbance at the door. My pits were barking wildly Keta and Bubba. I was the only one home, and someone was knocking vilonetly on the door trying to catch my attention. Who in the hell is it? I open the door and see a ghost. Not literally, but none other than the first father to abandon me Dustin. I hadn't seen him in at least a year, what in the world did he want now? The last time I seen him we had quite the falling out. He tried to yell at me for smoking cigarettes, and to me that was a slap in the face. He didn't get to just come waltsing back into my life and play father of the year, he had no right to yell at me. So I yelled back and told him maybe just maybe he would have a say over his kids, if he didn't abandon us. Did I mention he has a son too? His name is Garret he is 6 years younger than me. Up until Garret was 4 I was in his life alot, I couldn't stand my step mom Jayla or my father but I loved being an older sister. You know until both of them messed up on drugs and Dustin went to prison, signing his rights over to Jaylas mom. Who wouldn't let me have anything to do with my little brother. We will get into that pain a little later. After that argument he dissappeared again, until now this is what he is good at leaving and popping up at unconveinent times. Like I needed his shit storm added to my pain right now. As soon as I saw him I slammed the door right back into his face. That didn't make him go away, he walked in on his own crying. Des what has been going on with you pumkin? I heard about your suicide attempts.. Is it because I haven't been here? How arrogant is he to think that hes the entire reason I have been trying to end my life? You are part of the reason, but definitely not the only maybe you'd know why if you have been here. He's sobbing trying to make me feel sorry for him, he's a master manipulator after all. Tell me whats been going on, I am so sorry I haven't been here Pumkin, but I thought you didn't want me around. You always told me Eric was your dad.  I broke down, that cold hardened heart act melted away and I was just a broken little 14 year old girl again, I started sobbing telling him everything that had happened in the year hed been gone. He held me as I cried, and in that moment he was trying. It is one of the only moments I can remember him actually being a father to me. I asked if he had seen Garret, and he continued to go on about how Jaylas mom is a big fat bitch and yada yada won't let him see him. Then he says I have a couple people I want you to meet though pumkin, theyve been waiting out in the car until it was okay for them to come in, I have something to tell you that might cheer you up. Jayla and I had another baby, you have another little brother. His name is jeremy and I have custody, Jayla couldn't get clean and is in prison. I have a new girl who keeps me clean her name is Aly. Do you want to meet them? My heart lit up inside me, I get to be a sister again? Yes I want to meet them, they can come in. My new baby brother had been born in December, he was 5 months old now. Seeing for him for the first time was like opening christmas presents. He was so adorable, and the new light in my life. In those next few hours I met Aly who seemed really cool and nice, and I got to bond with my new reason to live Jeremy. I got to feed him, burp him , change his diaper, and then I got to sing him to sleep. I have always been good at coming up with new lyrics to already made songs. I started singing in the hey there delilah beat " Hey there jeremy, hows it been since you met me? I know Ive been away, but youre still itty bitty, I love you , we will have bonding time just us two, I swear its true, Hey there Jeremy dont you worry about missin me cause Im right there if you get lonely, give this song another listen, close your eyes." In that moment singing and rocking Jeremy to sleep I never wanted to let go, because the first time in awhile I was happy. He had brought that happiness to me. Babies bring something to the table that none of us can as we age. They are innocent, and fragile unmarked by the coldness of the world we live in.