Always, Amanda

Letter 9

Dear Alexander,

Hey!

I haven’t heard from you at all...I guess I expected that after everything that happened and I sort of got out my frustration at you in my last letter.

But, that’s the point of these letters, right? Getting this – I can’t even explain what I am feeling right now for you – out my chest so I can have my closure...the closure I should have have eleven years ago.

Your mom hasn’t updated her status about you. And oh, Brent deactivated his FB account. He’s been really distant the past few weeks and hasn’t visited our high school group chat. Well, I guess everyone have a lot on their plates right now and wanted some space.

I did some alone time too. That’s why I haven’t written a letter and disturbed your peace of mind the past month. I am just going to say this but... did you ever miss me? Did you ever think of me after all that happened? Because me? Well, I just had a dream about you last night, nothing new there to shock me by the way.

How unfair that is?

I am not gonna tell you what that dream was. Not yet.

It sucks not learning what you thought of me but I must continue.

When did it happen?

When did we reconcile after I got mad at you for the bogus you made and blocked your number? My memory has loophole right now and I have a lot on my mind at the moment to think about how we started talking again after that incident.

It’s been too long ago and I can only recall memories of seeing you much around that time I became active with the youth council in the church and then you joined the council as well with Brent. Those have been really fun and learning times. I had no talent joining the church choir but since my friends and cousins were part of it then I kind of joined in. I guessed, seeing you a lot more after that rift that happened between us, you joining and helping during church activities helped brought back my confidence in you. And well, I was just this silly girl who had a crush on you that whenever I saw you slowly transforming into a man already, I couldn’t help the fluttering of my heart. 

Should I be ashamed now to call you a very handsome man at fifteen years old? I think not because I have more shameful things to confess to you in my upcoming letters. Ha-ha, stay tuned for that.

Remember that one time we role-played a scene from the Holy Bible for the youth fest and me being the leader, you had no choice when I told you to play the role of Brother Jesus? That was really satisfying, seeing your undecided face morphed into resignation. You could have say no though but thank you for being a sport about it. And well, the practices after school were what I was looking forward to at that time.

Then, there was this Christmas carols we did with the youth council visiting the houses in the community from dusk until midnight, being chased by dogs, getting into muddy potholes and walking in dim roads with only our flashlights as we sang to our heart’s content to celebrate that wonderful yuletide season. Man, those were good memories to cushion old age when it comes. If only you were available during that youth camp. That was a blast but I missed you at that time to fully enjoy it.

The rift that happened between us, I think that was the precursor to finally admitting what we really felt towards each other.

I still clearly remember that one memorable night...that particular night you walked me home after our activities in the church. It was supposed to be like any other night you walked with me but that night, there was a moon hanging above us and then you asked me a question that made my heart leap out of my chest. That was much unexpected from you but felt like it was supposed to happen that night.

But wait...I remember there was a precursor to it. Yup, I was just telling you about Henry contacting me earlier that day and asking if he had a chance with me and if I was willing to wait for him.

And then, there you were with serious expression that abruptly halted from walking and faced me in the middle of the road across our primary school where I first saw you. I was bewildered, thinking what was suddenly wrong with you.

Then out of the blue, just laid it there and asked me if I wanted to date.

And there I was a very flustered and tongue-tied fifteen year-old teenager.

The moon hid behind a cloud for a moment and then it shone, illuminating your boyishly grinning face as I quietly replied to your pertinent question.

It was a beautiful scene...so beautiful it eased the pain I am feeling right now.

I’ll write to you soon but please stay safe.

Always,
Amanda

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