In Between the Lines

Chapter 26: Everything

I swallowed past the lump in my throat and gave Dez the short and simple answer:

"He broke me."

Samuel took the person that I was and smashed me into a million pieces—and he made sure there was no coming back from it. 

Dez's eyes opened, cracking with an emotion that cut me deeper than any other wound.

I pushed forward, "I used to be different, Dez. And the reason I was so horrible to you when I first met you wasn't because of anything you did." I thought of our first exchange at the bookstore. My innate, unreasonable dislike for Dez at the time. "It was because of how much you reminded me of me. Of the life I used to have. I wasn't always a recluse. Believe it or not, I actually enjoyed being around other people. But you—you are so much better than I ever was. I was arrogant in the worst way possible, thinking that I was bigger than the world. That I was invincible and that no one could possibly hurt me.

"After the day he bumped into me, Samuel found more and more excuses to be where I was. He'd chalk it up to coincidence and sometimes he even made me feel like I was the one following him around. Whether it was at a coffee shop or a restaurant or just a certain hall at school, he was always there. But I ignored it. I ignored all the signs. I thought maybe he just had a crush on me and that was all.

"My dad was hardly home because he was usually away on business trips, and my mom had left us the year prior. I didn't know where she went. I just woke up one day, and she was gone. Her number had changed, and I never heard from her again, so I drank and partied and I tried to fill the silence at home with friends and fun. My best friend Madison—" I paused, feeling my heart shrinking, turning to ash in my chest as I said her name. "She and I were kind of like you and Lewis. We grew up together. And Madison . . . she was perfect. She was kind and sweet and the most down-to-earth person I'd ever known. She was the one who kept me grounded, who made sure I didn't take the partying to an extreme and that I stayed focused on school. She gave me the support I needed when my parents weren't there—and I was the one who protected her.

"When boys broke her heart or our classmates were cruel in the way they could sometimes be, I was the one who helped her fight through it, who made sure people didn't walk over her—and who made sure she didn't let them. We made a promise that even if the rest of the world hurt us, we would never hurt each other."

I fought back against the burning in my eyes, even as my voice splintered. "But then February 10th happened."

Dez squeezed my hand.

"And I broke that promise." 

My words came out as a whisper. I didn't have the heart to say the rest of it. That Madison was now in a coma . . . and that she had been for the past year.  

As if he'd read my mind, Dez said, "The articles said she fell down a flight of stairs."

I looked away from him. "She didn't fall."

"Did Samuel . . ?"

I shook my head. 

"It was Madison's birthday." I dragged in another breath. "A few friends and I threw her a surprise party—most of the school was invited. I didn't know it until about halfway through, but Samuel was there too. Everyone got pretty wasted, including Madison for once, but it was her birthday, so the rest of us promised we'd take care of her. And she just . . . she looked so happy, so free. I wanted to be sober enough to take care of her, so I decided to stop drinking once I started feeling tipsy and dared her to chug the rest of my drink. She just laughed, tipped her head back, and everyone around us cheered while I poured the rest of it into her mouth."