Bits and Pieces

Worth It (Perfect)

I'm at a meeting with Jonathan and Esther and the rest of Pentatonix as we prepare for another leg of another tour. It's been several months now since Alex took the ceramic monkey from our room. I don't even live in that house anymore. There are layers and layers of insulation between me and that moment, but it's been on my mind for days and I hate it.

I force myself to be engaged for the rest of the meeting, but the second we're released, Mitch is up in my face. "What's going on with you lately? You're a space cadet."

"I'm fine. I'm just distracted," I tell him but it's clear that he doesn't hear the words I say. He's instantly on alert just by my expression.

"I know that face," he says, leading me to a comfy couch in the lobby of the office building we're in. "That's your Alex face."

I roll my eyes, more annoyed that I have a whole expression devoted to my ex than the fact that Mitch can recognize it. "I keep replaying our breakup. It's stupid. We did everything right."

Mitch looks like he's trying to decide if he believes me there. I can remember the early days, how reserved he was around Alex. And then later, when it was the direct opposite. I can remember moments of the two of them laughing together that had made me jealous for reasons I couldn't quite place. But I don't want to remember him anymore. Well, I do, but just the good parts. I wish it worked that way.

"It's alright to miss him," Mitch tells me. "I do. I just want you to be at a place where you don't have a bunch of regrets when it comes to him."

I think about this. It's a bit awkward to reminisce about Alexander when I'm sitting with Mitch, not for the reasons that some might think. It's easy for an outsider to blame Mitch for that breakup. How is it possibly fair to ask any other man to love me when my best friend is the love of my life and always within reach? It was a constant issue at first of course, and even when Alex swore it wasn't a concern, I always suspected he was settling with me. It's weird to think of that now though, when my body sort of naturally curls around Mitch's as we sit together. It's hard to focus on much else when this precious little creature is so close to me.

"I don't have regrets," I finally say, forcing my brain to sort through it all. "I wish I had handled some things differently, but the results would have been the same. I loved him and probably always will, but we just wanted different things."

Mitch draws his feet up to sit cross-legged on the couch, turning to face me more directly. "So if it you went back in time, knowing what you know now, you'd do it again?"

Again I have to think for a long time. I see years of comfort, that easy confidence that comes with knowing that I have someone to come home to. I see exotic trips to hot beaches and I see us pushing each other's limits and boundaries. I see our fights and our frustrations, months of separation followed by frantic weeks of forced normalcy. But mostly I see that first white hot time when he'd thrown me down onto his bed and taken me as his own. After Mitch and the small handful of others, I'd just gotten used to being the top, hadn't even thought to ask for the alternative. My height and size sort of demanded it, but not with Alex. He had pushed me to try so many new things, had made me better for it all. I couldn't possibly regret loving him and letting him love me.

"Even knowing it would end the same way, I would still do it again," I admit, and I feel the need to soften the blow of these words by taking Mitch's hand in mine. He allows this and doesn't look upset. He knows better than anyone how much it costs me to wallow in Alex memories like this. I'd enforced a fairly strict separation after the breakup. No overlap. Friends had to choose sides. It was terrible for everyone involved, but we survived it and managed to stay civil. If he walked through the doors now, I wouldn't feel the need to hide behind the couch or slash his tires on the way out, but I wouldn't wave him over either.

To my surprise, Mitch is grinning slightly in my direction. "Thank you for telling me the truth," he says. "Now, the sooner you believe it, the sooner you can quit daydreaming in business meetings."

"What do you mean?"

"You and I both know that he was perfect for you at the time. A part of you wants to feel guilty for it, like you didn't deserve it, but you did. And it served its purpose. And now you have to mean it when you say you don't regret it. You have to believe that it was worth it."

Without my permission, my brain treats me to a memory of Alex in only his boxers, dancing obnoxiously to "Worth It" by Fifth Harmony. I can see the muscles in his stomach as he parades around our room provocatively and I realize I'm smiling. It's a memory that has nothing negative attached except for maybe the realization that it can never be repeated.

Yes, he was worth it and he was perfect for me in that season of my life. "Perfect, worth it," I mumble, playing with the near rhyme and meter. "It almost sounds like a song." And then I realize what this has all been about.

As Mitch and I have been putting together ideas for our first album, we have been refining the sound concept as well as the overall theme, and we've had many long talks about how authentic to be lyrically. After years in this business with numerous high-profile writers and producers in my contact list, I know that we can put out a chart-topping summer song without much effort. But Mitch and I both agree that any message we want to send will go much farther if we're honest and transparent. I've been preparing to write the great love song of Mitch and Scott, the one that will end the speculation, but this other unwritten song has been haunting me without my knowledge.

Despite the fact that this isn't my solo album, there's no real way to be authentically us if I skip over the Alex chapter. His story began in a song a few albums ago, just a handful of lyrics about a canyon road that I had to cut from the show after they made me tear up too many times. But maybe this new song is the tribute he deserves, the one that will lay the ghosts to rest.

As I look into Mitch's eyes, I can see him thinking it through without me even asking. And just like that I can see that he is perfect and worth it to me too, adding a lovely second layer to the whole thing. Every kiss and touch and fight with both of them—it had all been necessary to get me here today. Every high and low, every broken promise and every bit of delayed gratification—it was all part of my journey. And I could never regret it.  

*****

Okay, okay. I welcome your thoughts and comments as always, and I'll pretend not to be too affected if you didn't like it or think I'm crazy. The reason I chose not to make this a strictly Scomiche story is that the song feels very past tense to me. And I'm just not ready to put our boys in that category yet. Hope you understand, and I swear, the next one will not even be a little bit sad! <3 k*