Strings Attached

~Chapter 13~

Not taking heed of my senses, my feet run after him out of the door. And not having a clue as to why I'm doing this, I shout after him. "Daniyal! Mrs. Judy is looking for you." And without missing a beat, I have my answer.

"Go to hell!" he retorts, without turning back and walking straight on to Lord knows where.

And even though I'm vexed at his reply, I feel sympathetic towards the boy for the first time since I encountered him for whatever he is going through. Because it's clear he is going through a bad patch.

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Later that night, I get a call from dadi. I'm so overjoyed at hearing her voice after so long that I can't speak for a minute whole. "Gudiya baita?" dadi asks me hesitantly after a while, unnerved by my silence. I keep my mouth covered with my hands to stop any sound from escaping my lips. I can't control my tears, and I hate myself for being so weak.

This is not what she expected of me. This is not who I am at all! Then why am I bawling my eyes out at this rate? It's all because of self-pity. Self-pity has led me to believe that I'm the most cruelly used being in the world. Used in what way? I have no idea. I just like to believe it.

Self-pity has also convinced me that I'm depressed. Which is a fashionable state to be in, these days. And so, I'm depressed. And I'm crying.

And I'm thankless. Thankless of what I've gotten so easily, that others only dream of. Thankless of finding my kind of people in a sea of whites. Thankless that I've a roof over my head. Thankless that my parents aren't prejudiced to my gender. Thankless that I'm living, breathing and going on in the world without a threat to my life. Thankless that I'm one of the believers. Thankless that I'm one of the privileged Ummah.

In short, I'm thankless to all the gifts that my Lord has bestowed on me. Oh! What a thankless girl I am.

And furiously, I wipe the tears off my face. I dry my eyes and check my voice. With a newfound courage, I'm able to hold it in as I greet my dadi at the other end of the line. "Is something wrong?" she asks me anyway. "Is anyone troubling you? You're not at like yourself, gudiya." And I feel like cursing myself.

 

"If something was wrong, dadi, you'd be the first one to know. You know I don't hide anything from you!" I try to convince her, but when I hear her reply, I know that I've failed. "I don't know if that's true anymore. You've changed so much that I can't tell whether you're happy or sad. Why the secrecy from your dadi, child?"

"Do you worry that I'll be unhappy?" I chuckle moodily at her conjecture. "Not really. It is true that I don't like to upset you, but I also want to move on from this childishness and be normal. I want to be happy and enjoy my time here. Not grouch at my luck. Which isn't bad at all!" I explain to her slowly, a faraway tinge to my voice.

"I'm glad you're finally coming round," she tells me and I detect a smile in her voice. I'm relieved that she isn't cynical of my idea. Dadi is such a gem! "You've to learn to accept people and things the way they are, gudiya. Give them a chance."

"You won't always find people like yourself wherever you go. This is a big world and all kinds of people live in it. Don't take it so much to heart if they're not tolerant of you. You're a bit of a wonder for them, too." She chuckles, ending her little speech.