I opened the door to my room and Elder PopTarts was already fast asleep. He looked so peaceful and content in his sleep. I wish it could be the same for me.
I've had hell dreams every single night since fifth grade when I started having gay thoughts for the first time. They weren't so bad for a while but I just know I'm going to have an especially bad one tonight.
If only that new recruit, Elder Price, wasn't so attractive. I thought about just staying awake but I couldn't help but drift off to sleep.
* * *
I felt the intense heat on my skin and opened my eyes to see where I was this time. To my surprise I was in my own room still but Elder PopTarts was nowhere to be seen.
I opened the door and peered into the hallway, no missionaries. Being alone is one of my worst fears so I immediately started looking in all of the other Elders rooms.
"Elder Davis! Elder Church! ... Elder Price?"
Sitting on the sofa was Elder Price or at least the hell dream version of him. He was wearing a vest like the one I gave him earlier except his was dark red velvet instead of hot pink sequins.
Even though it was my hell dream version of Elder Price it still felt comforting to not be alone. So many of my hell dreams were just me in solitary or in a small space. Yet I'm still extremely claustrophobic and I still fear being alone after all these years of nightly hell dreams.
"Elder Price?" I repeated, keeping my distance from dream Elder Price, "Where are the others?"
"We don't need them Connor," it was strange to hear Elder Price call me by my first name. He doesn't even know my first name in real life and now that I think about it, I don't know his first name.
Elder Price stood up and the building began to engulf in flames and turn into the hell dream environment that I'm used too. The usual crowd of demons and skeletons surrounded me and started shoving me back and forth. I stumbled into the middle of the circle of demons and two of them pushed me to the ground.
A deep voice boomed though the air, "Connor McKinley! You have committed another unforgivable sin!" I couldn't see who the voice was coming from and I wasn't even sure if it was Satan himself or Heavenly Father. But it honestly doesn't make a difference anymore.
"I've been this way almost my whole life! Do you honestly think that I can change?! After all these years of hell dreams I've tried so hard to turn it off but I just can't." My voice trailed off as I spoke.
I know Heavenly Father will never love me and I know that when I die I'll be sent to the real hell. But I know I can't change myself. Turning it off just isn't good enough.
I felt someone shove me from behind, "How could you do this to me?!" A familiar voice yelled.
A spun around to face the source of the voice. Even though his figure was shrouded in shadows I knew it was Elder Price. How could I not know his voice?
"What?" I asked. What could I possibly have done to upset Elder Price?
"You have ruined my chances of salvation! I was going to have all my dreams come true! I was going to get my dream planet! Planet Orlando! But not anymore! And it's all because of you!" I'd never heard Elder Price so angry. I had to constantly remind myself that he wasn't the real Elder Price, this was all just another hell dream.
"I didn't ruin your chances at anything! You're not the real Elder Price so accuse me of whatever you want because I don't care!" I tried my best to sound brave, ignoring my trembling hands.
"Of course I'm not real! But what will the real me think when he finds out the truth about you?"
His statement really got under my skin and my stomach lurched just thinking of what could happen if Elder Price or any of the other Elders found out the truth about me. My entire body began shaking and I fell onto the rough ground.
I covered my head with my hands and cowered in fear. The usual demons screaming and insulting me, breaking me down as they had done night by night since fifth grade.
All I could do was wait for it to all finally be over.
YOU ARE READING
This story takes place during the events of the musical and then continues after the show ends I feel like I should give this an actual title but idk what I would call it. Comments are much appreciated. ♥ 🌈