Lipstick Lullaby

Chapter Nineteen

"No, Hazel... Don't do this to me." He got up and dropped to his knees in front of me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face into my tummy. "Kung gusto mo akong saktan, saktan mo ako. Gawin mo na ang lahat, huwag mo lang akong iwan. Huwag mo
kong iwan..."

"Migs..." I tried to pry his arms away from me.

"Don't you love me anymore?" He sobbed. This was the weakest I'd ever seen him. He'd always been sure of everything he did, he'd always been in control. Never in my wildest dream had I ever imagined him down on his knees, begging and crying.

I fought the urge to brush my fingers into those golden strands and hug him.

"You're embarassing yourself, Miguel." I tried to keep my voice from quivering.

"I don't care! I don't care anymore! Huwag mo lang akong iwan, Hazel. I love you and I can't imagine a life without you. Hindi mo na ba ako mahal? Wala ka na ba talagang nararamdaman para sa akin?"

"Minahal kita, Migs. And I still love you but I will always love myself more. I do not deserve this." I didn't stop my sob from rising from my throat. I looked away as tears began to pour from my eyes. I pushed him off me and stood up, quietly walking out of the restaurant

I got into my car and let out a scream as more tears began to pour from my eyes. In a fit of anger, I punched the steering wheel until my fists hurt. This armor I put over myself is only helpful in a way that it makes me look tough. That's just what it does, make me look tough. People say that you're as strong as you believe to be. I once believed that my arms could hold on to his love despite what he had done. But my bones ended up shattering. That was when I knew that strength wasn't I wanted.

MIGS

"When you're two people at the same time, one is bound to trip the other." Dad said as he handed me a glass of scotch. 

I took it from Dad and gulped it, letting the sharp liquid down my throat. My mind was a mess right now. Hazel just called the wedding off and I didn't know what to do. My head was throbbing and my heart felt like it was being squeezed tightly. Home was the only place I could run to at moments like this. 

I just wanted to go to my old bedroom when Dad saw me and invited me to his study. He offered me a drink and asked how I was. That was when I broke down and told him that there wouldn't be any more wedding. 

"Dad, it was a mistake. I never meant to hurt Hazel or Saskia..." I raked my fingers through my hair as my throat constricted.

"Sometimes we do things we aren't supposed to." Dad told me as he raised his glass to his mouth and took a small sip. "I know you never meant to intentionally hurt any one of those women. Cassie had raised a wonderful man out of you. But I want to know why you did it. Mahal mo si Hazel, hindi ba?"

I quietly nodded my head.

"And what about Saskia? Why did you sleep with her if you love Hazel?"

I swallowed and tightly shut my eyes. "It just... it just happened. I know it's not an excusable fact but it's truth, Dad. I felt like there's so much in me that is missing. Something keeps on taking me and I'm afraid I'll wake up and I wouldn't know where it has all gone. I spent most of my life fulfilling people's expectations of me. I was consumed with how people viewed me to be honest with myself. The moment I saw Saskia, I instantly felt physical attraction towards her. I felt strong desire I'd never felt before and it stole all logic from me. That night, I wanted to be honest with myself, something I'd never done in a long time. No matter how ordered my life with Hazel was, I just feel empty in the inside. There's something lacking. Mahal ko si Hazel pero pakiramdam ko may kulang. She's not as affectionate as Mama. She's a very independent woman. She's her own person. Everything I love about her was the same thing I cheated on her for. I feel like she's holding me to a standard I couldn't dare fail to meet. I was so afraid of fucking things up that it was exactly what I did in the end. Saskia was the complete opposite of Hazel and that was what drew me to her. It was more than lust, Dad. I want to fill the voids in me, I want to feel complete and Saskia gave me the feelings I was seeking. I didn't even know what that feelings were until I saw her. She accepted me for everything I am, not the things I wanted her to believe. My inconsistencies, my fears, my failures, and all the things I was afraid of showing to anyone. It's awful, Dad, being on this side of infidelity. It's not in my DNA to pull this off and I don't want to. I don't want to use Saskia to fill my voids and I never meant to cheat on Hazel."