Dying love

Sam's journal

"I love you". Everybody says those words at least once in their life. relationship wise. Sometimes those words are said but not meant. Some people are careful of when to say those words. They say them when they realize they mean it.
I've been careful. I have yet to say those special words. Those confusing, amazing, emotional words. I had my very first boyfriend when I was 14. He said he loved me. I didn't respond for a month. My response was: I... Like you... Too. A day later he broke up with me. He said he broke up with me because I had cancer and he didn't want to here anything more about the fact that I had cancer because it was annoying and he said that he didn't want to here me complain about it. I was crushed. And not because I wasn't dating him anymore... It was because of what he said about my disease. My older brother Brandon beat him up after I told him. without my knowledge. When Brandon told me that he beat him up, I was slightly happy, also I felt bad for Brandon because he went to jail for a week for beating up a 14 year old when he was 17. my cousin Alex bailed him out before my mom had the money to. But I felt nothing for that boy I dated.

From then on I haven't been in a relationship. I've had crushes but no real relationships. I've been pretty much doing nothing with my life lately. I mean, I've been going to my chemo sessions but I honestly have no life. Except for my sister Megan. She is pretty much my best friend. Really the only friend I've ever had. Other then Brandon of course.

Anyway, when I said I've had crushes, I really only meant ONE. his name is Mathew. I've had a crush on him since I was like 12 even when I was dating that jerk kid. Mathew is really cute, and sweet and he is kind of shy. We've been partners for a school project before and we talked he said he was sorry to hear that I had cancer and he said he hoped we were partners again someday but that's pretty much it other than school related stuff. We haven't talked much since then. We've said hey in the hallways but nothing else. I really like him but who could ever like me. I'm a hassle. Im always in need of help to stand up or sit down when I'm having flair ups and I am just an unhealthy ugly girl that no one could ever love. So I don't think I'll be having to say those special words anytime soon, or anytime at all for that matter.

I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 10. At first I didn't know what to think. I didn't understand the concept. I didn't understand why my family cried. But I understand now. The pain made me understand.
But I still manage to stay strong. I'm a fighter. And nobody can vandalize that.