Introverted Hearts // Josh Dun

chapter twelve :: designer bags

"Yeah." She set the cup on the center of the counter, then led Josh back to her bedroom.

Josh simply sat on the edge of her bed with his hands fiddling together. CJ sat next to him.

There was an awkward silence before Josh pushed her hair from her shoulders. However, he was a bit surprised when she flinched away.

"D-Did I hurt you?" Josh asked.

"No," CJ shook her head. "It just um.. startled me."

Jenna tugged CJ's hair back as she kneeled next to her in the bathroom. "It's okay."

"No," CJ shook her head between gags. "It's not."

"You got this," Jenna assured her. "I'll make sure you're okay."

"I'm so sorry." CJ said, feeling as if what was happening was her fault.

"Don't be sorry," Jenna rubbed her best friend's back. "This isn't on you."

After Jenna helped CJ up, she let her sit on the edge of the sink.

"Let's get this makeup off." Jenna said as she pulled a makeup wipe out. Mascara was streaming down CJ's cheeks and red lipstick was smeared on her chin.

"Jenna?" CJ practically whispered as Jenna cleaned her face off.

"Hmm?"

"I-I hate to ask, but can I sleep with you tonight?" CJ asked. "Just in case something happens?"

"I was gonna ask you if you wanted to," Jenna told her before she threw the wipe away. "Let's go get some pajamas on, okay?"

That night, CJ had terrible cold-sweats. Her hairline was soaking from all of the sweat. She was curled up into a ball, shivering and crying all night.

"Oh," Josh nodded and decided to keep his hands to himself. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," she shook her head. "It's not a problem, really."

As a spur of the moment action, Josh quickly leaned over and pressed a kiss to CJ's cheek.

Instead of answering or doing something back, CJ got up and dig through her vinyl box. When she found her Iron and Wine vinyl, she put it on the knob and moved the needle to it.

"Come here," she grabbed Josh's hands and stood him up. "You always dance with me, so I figured you'd want me to dance with you."

"CJ," Josh shook his head. "Don't feel like you have to do this."

"I want to do this." CJ said as she mustered up as much courage as she could in order to be able to dance with Josh without letting her anxiety peeking through.

"I just don't want you to, um.." Josh went quiet when CJ intertwined her fingers with his.

"I'm fine." CJ took a deep breath and nodded at him.

"You sure?"

"Yeah," CJ gulped. "Um, for the first time, in a really, really long time, I feel like I can actually breathe without having somebody to guide me through it."

"That's a good thing, right?"

"It's a great thing," CJ confirmed. "You make me feel in control over myself."

"Mhm." Josh nodded.

"I'm not trying to say that anxiety can magically go away because you like somebody but-" CJ had to stop herself when she realized what she said. That was when she looked down and shook her head in disappointment.

"It's okay," Josh assured her. "I know what you mean."

"Um.." after gathering herself, she continued with her sentence. "I'm not trying to say that feelings of affection can heal anything. You make me feel better because I know that when I'm with you, I'm going to be safe. You have yourself in control. You know what you're doing, but I don't."

"This is our journey," Josh told her. "We can get through this together."

"Like.." CJ raised an eyebrow at him. "Together together?"

"Yeah," Josh nodded. "I really like you. I like watching you grow with your anxiety. And I would love to continue watching."

"What do you mean?" CJ let out a light laugh in disbelief. "I'm still the same I was the first day we met."

"That CJ would have hyperventilated just by glancing at me," Josh clarified. "This CJ is opening up without the fear of rejection."

"Well there's still a tiny bit." CJ held her fingers close together to demonstrate.

"Shh," Josh grabbed her hand. "You're doing great."

Josh pulled her closer and held onto her waist as she rested her chin onto his shoulder. They swayed back in forth in silence, letting the music engulf them.

"So um," Josh broke their silence. "Will you be my girlfriend?"

"You were my first kiss," CJ said. "Let's go for first boyfriend."