When I last wrote to you dear Internet, things were much different.
Sadness, self-loathing, fears burried so deep inside that even I
Could not acknowledge them.
For so long I feared rejection and hid
Behind a feminine mask.
For so long I swallowed down negative thoughts directed only at my own sexuality.
You can’t like him,
Because you are not like him.
You don't look or sound like him so you can't have him.
Now.
In the present,
I am male, I am gay, and I am happy.
I don't shy away from who I know I am,
From who I always have been.
Now in the present I am strong.
I am strong but sometimes I am also scared,
As everyone should be.
Fear means I'm human, fear means I’m
Alive.
"It gets better."
They cram it down your throat like a pill,
They want you to
Smile
Laugh
Talk
Love
They want it immediately.
It gets better, yes,
But it gets better slowly.
And better doesn't mean perfect.
They say "it gets better".
Better means it's okay to cry.
Better means
Its okay to feel things and to fall sometimes.
Better means that you laugh and pick yourself up and keep going when you do.
Its been almost four years.
Its been over one year since I began hormones.
Legal records say my name, they say M instead of F.
"Emmett Lee W_____" they call out
And I walk across the stage to shake hands and get my diploma.
The diploma that almost four years ago
Was something I was certain
I would not live to see.
Start in the past.
Start with the sad, with the angry.
Start with the frustration, the agony, the fear.
Fast forward to now.
Now with smiles, laughs.
With sadness that is visited, but not lived in.
Now with success and with a growing love
For me, for who I am.
And that, I think
Is pretty good.
