SMOTHERED LIES

eleven (Aspen)

My voice jumps from my throat, exploding into sounds I’ve never heard before. Sounds of animals, sounds of monsters. It’s hard to tell whether I’m the monster hidden between everything. But I believe I am.

Once more. Just once, I attempt to break the quiet; my voice wretches from my throat. Jolts of forced fear seep through the wail, causing my body to tremble, to quake. But the sound escaping my lips cuts short in a few seconds, drowning away into the stillness. Screaming won’t do any good, not anymore.

Breathless, heartbroken with tears swelling down my cheeks I let all my feelings run wild. I let them stream from my mind, from my heart. Like a flowing river everything begins to buckle, my knees, my arms. My life.

Kade.

My stronghold. My serenity. My love.

I know the word ‘love’ is very strong but it the way to describe what Kade and I have. The only way.

I swallow, inhale and exhale before a bitter tear finds its way to the corner of my eye, forcing downwards. Tugging on my skin, trailing across my make-up stained face, mixing with my mascara and turning a murky black.

Kade.

I let the stream travel down my skin, soaking my cheek before moving towards my chin. Allowing the cool, bitter feeling to drown my sorrows. Everything I am, everything I have become drips out my eyelids, through the tears.

Gone.

Washed away. Not even recalling what made me cry from the beginning.

*         *         *

The wire globe hangs from the thinnest cord strung to the ceiling creating an eerie white light through the otherwise dark room. It sways lightly back and forth forming morphed shadows on each and every wall. It flickers twice like strobe lighting, before cutting short and giving way to the darkness. The room once again is blackened, and I am left with myself and my thoughts; a horrible combination.

The thoughts of Paris, of the holiday I was once on, of the beautiful sunsets draping through the hotel window, of the dinner we shared on the Eiffel tower. Spending all of it with Adele, with Raine, and with Kade.

Where has that gone?

Where has my life gone?

Down the drain; that’s where everything has gone. Washed away with the tears which seep through my eyes.

And I’ll never be able to regain it, unless if I pull off the impossible.

Escape.

Cool concrete surrounds me, coating the floor that I am sprawled upon. My legs are slumped beside me, hauling the weight of my body. My arms support my stomach which churns faster the more I think, the more I feel. Bracing the sickening vile is easy for the mean time. But before too long it fades to nothing.

Tick. Tock.

Time passes by ever so slowly as I pace back and forth in the very dimed room. Each step only lasts a mere second, dragging into minutes, into hours. I peer continuously at my watch which I left on my arm. Struggling to see the time in the darkness, I simply try to make out the digital number. It gets harder and harder each time I look.

One. Two. Three. Four. Turn.

One. Two. Three. Four. Turn.

That is the exact amount of steps I need to take before hitting into the walls either side. I count them in my head each time, breaking the silence which once threatened me. Instead of screaming into the depths of serenity, I handle myself differently. I’m no longer a monster.