Bits & Pieces

Words worth it

Life is strange. It brings out unexpected twists and turns. A moment ago, everything seemed straightforward, everything was perfect. When suddenly, you fall. Hard. It's left you bruised, scarred. The only sighs you hear, are yours. The only tears you see, are yours. Have you ever felt like drowning? Drowning, not in mushy pond water, but heartfelt. Soul deep. Drowning, from choking on your own tears. The world seems blurred. The vision, unclear. You really tried, you did your best: you were the striver, you were the hard worker. But don't you see all of it slipping on, moving on. Fast. That was your drudgery, your labour. How can it leave, go , move on, without paying you your fruit, your toiling sum. It belongs to you. Instead, God hands you nothing, or worse, a bitter, sour fruit. Gruesome. WHY THE HELL DID IT HAPPEN? TO YOU. But it did, honey. It did. Life gave you lemons, but where to squeeze it? One option: in your own eyes. Give yourself all the troubles, because it happened to you, it did happen. You feel like doing nothing, absolutely nothing. You stare there like a paralyzed person. A vegetable. I did, when it happened to me.

                      ✴✴✴✴✴✴

It's the most crucial day of my life. Well, not exactly the most. Of my life. But i am no grown up. Whatever teensy-weensy life i have lived, it is. Till now. I sit on my couch, expectantly. Excited? Yeah. Anxious? Of course. Scared? Uh-huh. Doubtful? Umm.... yes. Don't want to, but i am. After all, it's not eating a cake kinda thing, it is the terrifying, horrendous, obnoxious day. The result day. Gulp. The word 'result' anyways gives me enough goosebumps to last a lifetime, and today is no different. Well actually speaking, it is. A month ago i had appeared for my ICSE Board Examinations. Such a heavy word, isn't it? It definitely is. In my overtly imaginative mind, it is like all the roofs of the schools all over India have opened, revealing the sunny skies and sunshine. The students writing the exam are shifted up, still at their desks writing, but elevated upwards. The floor escalated. And duh. The students are in open competition!

I really want to do really well in these exams. Everyone does. But, i am not every-other-fucking-body. I am me. Shikha. Shikha Chandra. The Shikha who have always stood first in every exam in school. Even a little beyond. And this girl, that's me, cannot let everything happen like it used to be. I have to do something different. That is, get a seriously mind-boggling whopping percentage this time. As simple as that. So i worked really, really hard until my ass hurt. I kicked my arse off to achieve. And so today is the day. Yippee! To get what i deserve, to pay off all the uphill battle and tough grind I had done throughout the year. I am fuckin excited.

I hate it. I hate it when this awful doubt creeps it's way into my mind. I sit here (still on the couch) while my mom and sister chatter non stop, and my kiddo brother play with the puzzle. I try to listen to what they are talking about, but my mind paved it's way back to the results. Sod it. The results are not out still for an hour, but i can't stop thinking. Although I have put on a nonchalant expression, my mind is rolling. What is going to happen? I know i did well, and more, but if.... I want the score matching my standard, my profile. I do want. I do. Everyone, including me, is so expectant of me. What if i don't..... Some blood-curdling thoughts creep into my mind (because of the bloody doubt) and i cant help it. I can only wait......