My Fault

Apologies

Yeah, When you come undone

When you come undone

The chorus made me think about Johnny and how much I still liked him. He had always been there for me and tried several times to get me to talk about my feelings. Every time I was hurt and upset he was there. He stuck with me through everything even after all the times I pushed him away. I felt so selfish for doing so. So cruel and unfeeling.

You know I can't be like everybody

Cause I can't tell you what you want to hear

I don't know if I can make it better

All I know is I will be around

These lines were so true when it came to him. When he first found out I was smoking weed he told me how bad it was and that I should stop. And then when he found out who I was staying with, he let me know that what I was doing was stupid. Even after Chelsea’s party when he was telling me how I was throwing my life away and was stuck in my own little world. The chorus played on and then the bridge started playing.

When all your plans are made out lying on the floor

And all your dreams are turning into nothing more

When all your hope has left you know you're not alone

Just hold on

Hold on

I was a mess after that. The tears poured out and I buried my face in my hands. How could I have been so stupid? How could I treat him like he was nothing to me? I was a terrible person. I didn’t deserve a friend like him. I deserved to be hated. I treated him poorly, yet he still wanted to be there for me. What was wrong with me?

The chorus ended the song, and I sat there staring down at the iPod. The shame was flowing through me and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know whether or not to go and find him and apologize, or just wait. Was he mad at me at all? Did he have anything against me? Even though he showed me this song, I still had some doubts. My self-esteem was so low and  I couldn’t bring myself to believe that he had actually forgiven me. I needed to find out.

I got up and walked over to my door nervously. When I opened it, I headed towards his room and knocked. I listened as the footsteps got closer, then the door swung open. “U-Um, this is yours.”

            Ahh! I was so stupid! How was that the only thing I could say?

            “Come in.” He told me, and I followed him into his room.

            I stood there awkwardly as he shut the door and faced me. He looked tense and unsure of what to say. I could still feel the dried tears on my face, and I knew my eyes were probably bloodshot. He noticed too, because he walked closer to me and wiped the remaining tears off my face. There was a lot of pain in his eyes. Pain caused by me. I had put him through so much worry, and I hated myself for it.

            “Johnny, I’m really sorry.” I said and lowered my head.

            I felt his hand under my chin before he lifted my face up to look at him. Right as our eyes locked, his lips collided with mine. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close while kissing me, and I allowed it. I never wanted it to end, but my stupid hormones caused that to happen.

            I couldn’t help the thoughts. I couldn’t stop thinking about how hurt he looked when he saw me at the mall. The hurt in his voice, the pain in his eyes, and it was all because of me. I never answered one of his phone calls or texts, I just blocked him off. I didn’t deserve to be kissed.