Mass Effect - Fragments

Chapter 5 - Repurcussions

Liara had barely spoken to her since then, as the Fleet had begun to leave, heading on the long trip through the Relay network, back home. She had assumed command of the Civilian fleet and the Geth Auxiliaries, due to her intimate knowledge of the Geth networks and the realities of engineering. Admiral Daro'Xen had remained on Rannoch with Admiral Raan and Admiral's Gerrel and Koris had to handle the Heavy and Support fleets.

"When we got her call she was damn hysterical." Kaidan shifted uncomfortably, not meeting Shepard's eyes, "She was hurting, boss; more than any of us that's for sure. And we didn't really get it until she'd gone."

Liara shook her head sadly.

"Her grief consumed her. Utterly. We thought it would pass. We… misjudged. She had no one, Shepard. None of us could really empathise. We had lost a friend. She had lost her world."

The Admiral sagged and let out a mirthless chuckle.

"And I lost the woman I... loved. Would've been better if I'd just pushed her away maybe?"

His sank his head into his hands.

"And I just hung up on the woman I broke. Fucking brilliant."

He felt Liara patting his shoulder and heaved another, shuddering sigh. Lifting his head, he managed a weak smile.

"My advice Kaidan - don't let this woman out of your sight," he looked at Liara and she could see his eyes were wet; his face was rigid, jaw nearly locked, "But my consolation is that at least she's… happy. She's moved on, right?"

He leaned back on the sofa, aware he was a bundle of nervous energy now, flipping between mania and lethargy. Kaidan moved over to place a hand on Liara's shoulder.

"Jesus, I feel like a lovesick puppy. Not felt like this since… since Akuze. Since dad. Shit, I'm having a breakdown in front of you guys. Some Admiral, hm?"

Liara smiled and Kaidan arched an eyebrow.

"Frankly Shepard, I think we're both surprised you didn't go postal before."

"Oh, reminds me - I owe you a display case. Pistol, glass… apparently not a good combination."

"Ah, was going to redecorate anyway. Could be worse…" Shepard managed an arched eyebrow. Kaidan smirked, "Could've been the fishtank."

The tension drained: Shepard laughed. He laughed until the tears ran, finally breaking through. He heaved between laughs and sobs, choking slightly until a backslap brought him wheezing to a stop.

"Jeez, I need to… need to get this out. Phew. Thank you guys. Shouldn't be loading this off on you. I mean, for you guys it's been a year. I get three weeks and my first bit of news is that the woman I want… wanted to spend the rest of my life with is getting married and that people are moving on. I feel like a dinosaur. A relic."

Liara pursed her lips and frowned,"Definitely not. I'm an archaeologist remember - I would recognise an antique if I saw one."

He smiled weakly, "So, what do you advise I do. I want to leave it. I want to just… hide it. But I have a feeling that if I do… it's going to hit me when I least expect it."

"Yeah, that it might… not just the trauma Shep. The guy, Jin - he's, ah… he's the Quarian Council nominee,"That brought a look of surprise. Shepard groaned. Kaidan grimaced and rubbed the back of his neck, "We were going to brief you en route."

"Yeah, this will bite me. Great, so I have to play nice with the ex's new man. Brilliant. Why couldn't I have stayed dead."

He leaned his head back and groaned. His stomach was in a bad place, his head a worse one. This had been, really, the first time he'd look at that thought - marriage. Or whatever the Quarians had. Bonding? Clan welcomes? A wake? Well, without proper decontamination on the wedding night, maybe. He smirked inwardly at the maudlin though. Slowly he got to his feet.

"A fair bit to think about. Don't worry guys; I'm not going to the bar. Get a few hours shut eye, then we can head for the Citadel. Looks like I'm going to have to face a few demons."

Liara and Kaidan nodded, exchanging an uncertain look. Shepard flashed them a reassuring grin and hobbled from the room, wincing with every step. He made it up to his room, studiously avoiding the shattered glass, before slumping into the bed. The Admiral (The title still sounded hollow in his head) leaned his head against the wall and gently thumped it backwards a couple of times. The Universe had a twisted, sick and ironic sense of humour at times.

Part of his brain told him to grab his gear, hijack the Kodiak and run to somewhere, anywhere. To hide. Like he should've done on Akuze. Like he should've done after Virmire. On the Citadel, after Omega, afterEarth. Hide and let the Universe forget about him, let it move on, let it grow and scab and drain the poison. Let it heal.

But the louder part of him said hell no. See it through. For good or ill, see it through.

He banged his head against the wall again and swore, then brought up his omni tool. He kept it short, to the point. He read it, but didn't press send:

Admiral Tali'Zorah nar Rannoch

I apologise for the abrupt nature of our conversation. It has not been an easy few months on anyone, least of all yourself. I have only just been made aware of the realities of current events and I am still out of my depth. I wanted to be able to pass on my heartfelt congratulations. It is good to see that life continues on and that what everyone achieved is still being built upon. I wanted to let you know what I am pleased you have found a future worthy of your achievements.

I do not want this to be difficult. I will likely be working closely with the Council for an interim period and I wish for our interactions to be professional. I owe you that and more. Meagre as it sounds, it was never an intention to be the cause of suffering and I can only apologise for that.

For your sake, I will keep our interactions minimal and to the point. Should you require anything, either from the Alliance or the Council, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours respectfully,

John Shepard

Admiral

1st Fleet Auxiliary

Systems Alliance

He stared at the text for some time, jaw working silently as he weighed the decision. Would this build a bridge, burn it, or lay landmines for future interactions? Cut the ties and let her move on properly perhaps? She had moved on, obviously, but he needed to defuse the anger there. Was it hate? Too strong a word. Resentment? He couldn't tell. What was happening was a knife in the guts, but… he was a soldier. A professional. And he had a job to get on with.

Get it done, see it through.

Get out.

The N7 way.

He pressed "send".