After a much needed, two hour nap, I was awakened by Luke lightly shaking my shoulder. "Mikey, can you eat this for me? I hope this isn't too much to ask." It was. "It's just a little apple. I even sliced it up for you!" He held a small bowl of apple slices, a little cup of caramel sitting on top of them. I watched him through slitted eyes. He set the bowl next to me on his bed, and the caramel directly beside it. "You might be hungry." I was. "You probably didn't eat this morning." I didn't.
I slowly sat up, crossing my naked legs and placing the bowl in front of me. "Thanks, Luke." I grabbed the caramel dipping sauce, and peeled the plastic covering from the top. I almost licked the caramel from the plastic, but I stopped myself. There were eight slices. If I knew it wouldn't disappoint Luke, I would have four. Because he thinks I'm doing better, and I don't want to raise his suspicions, I'll finish them all. I ate them slowly, one by one, two bites for every slice, coating the first bite in a bit of caramel each time. My stomach was almost satisfied. Luke was satisfied—he praised me before taking the empty bowl and caramel cup back into the kitchen. He said he was 'so proud of me' and kissed my forehead. I wasn't satisfied. My mind wasn't satisfied. It scolded me and told me I'd always be fat at this rate.
I laid myself back in bed, getting comfortable once again. I could hear Luke's footsteps as he made his way back up the stairs and into the room. There was a bit of shuffling until I felt the weight of Luke's body sinking in the mattress. His chest pressed against my back and his legs entangled themselves with mine as he wrapped his arms around my torso. I almost sucked in my stomach so that he wouldn't feel the fat. The warmth of his body against the constant chill of mine made me relax into him.
"You did great today, baby." He pressed a kiss to my shoulder.
"I didn't even make it through the whole day," I mumbled.
"You didn't have to go at all. Going for half the day was really good. You can try again tomorrow."
I mentally groaned. "Why can't I just stay home forever? I would be so happy if I could just lay in bed for the rest of my life. I hate school."
"We're graduating in a few months. Just keep that in mind, okay? And I'll be with you through everything."
I stayed silent. Luke's voice was soft and soothing. Not enough to change my outlook on school but enough to calm my nerves. I wanted to drift off to sleep again, but I seemed to have so much energy. Before I was swelled up like an elephant, I had no energy at all. Everyday consisted of me trudging through the halls at school, taking naps in some classes, and either going home or going to Luke's house to sleep the rest of the day away. My parents didn't mind. It became a normal thing. Luke didn't mind either, as long as he could join me.
I turned to face Luke, his soft, sky blue eyes staring back at me. I loved his eyes. They were always so full of love and happiness, even on the days that he wasn't. I put on my best innocent face. "Let's get drunk."
That brought a smile to Luke's face. We were both huge fans of getting drunk. Luke thought it was fun. I just wanted to forget. "Not today, babe," he replied, causing me to pout. "We have school tomorrow, plus, I'm not gonna let you get back into the habit immediately after being discharged."
"We don't have to drink a lot, please. Come on." I was the king of peer pressure.
Luke was the king of saying no to peer pressure. "Maybe Friday. Maybe."
I nodded in defeat. At least I knew I'd probably be staying with Luke Friday night.
A silence fell between us. It was probably a comfortable silence for Luke, but my mind raced with self deprecating thoughts. Could he feel my bloated stomach against his arm? Did he notice my back fat threatening to spill over the waistband of my boxers? Were my thighs too fat for his liking now? Did he find me repulsing?
I felt him tighten his grip around me and snuggle himself closer before relaxing again. He was falling asleep. A mere ten minutes had passed before he had gone completely limp. I wanted to smile at just the thought of him sleeping peacefully, but I was too disgusted with myself. I guess I can be pretty selfish.
I reached over to grab my phone, which I had slept next to. I wish I could've stopped myself from going to the triggering site, but it seemed to be a part of me. I clicked on the Twitter app, and my private ED account automatically popped up. It was the last account I had been on. I only had a few notifications—new followers and tweets other people seemed to like. No tweets or replies about where I had been for the past two weeks. It shouldn't have made me as sad as it did since I'm not very popular on ED twitter, but there's something triggering about no one being worried about you.
I began scrolling through my timeline, a mixture of jealousy and inspiration filling my veins as I passed by pictures of skinny girls in cute outfits. I wished there were more pictures of thin guys. I liked relatable tweets about being too fat and eating too much and wanting to die, retweeting the ones that were way too relatable to simply like. I liked selfies and body checks of pretty, thin girls who were much thinner than me but thought they were fat. I complimented them and told them to be careful. I longed to be thin enough for someone to tell me the same. Before closing the app, I decided to tweet a few things.
Being admitted is the worst thing ever if you're not ready for recovery. I went in thinking they'd fix me and came out sad and 20lbs heavier
It took so long to lose 20lbs and now I have to do it all over again
Instead of closing the app, I switched to my personal account. This account had more followers and activity than my private one. I had almost 2k followers who always took a liking of photos of Luke and I. They always replied to tell me how cute we were. I knew they actually meant Luke, but wouldn't dare say that to his boyfriend. I went to Luke's account to go through the past two weeks of his likes, tweets, and retweets. I always went through Luke's account. It was full of cute things and memes. This time, it was full of tweets about me and how he hopes I'm doing fine and how much he misses me. I replied to tell him I love him.
I finally put my phone down next to me, enjoying my last moment with Luke before it was time for me to go home. It didn't matter that he was sleeping. I simply enjoyed Luke's presence at any time. He seemed to be the only person that could put a smile on my face lately, and I always cherished any time spent with him.
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A/N
I honestly had a different idea for the ending of this chapter but since Wattpad insisted on deleting my draft 4 different times, my frustrated self quickly typed this up and published it before it had a chance to be deleted again.
