What they don't see - Jac Naylor One Shot

Why?

Why me? I saved Fran's life and this is what I get for it?! I stare blankly towards the car park 4 floors down the unthinkable crossing my mind when Mo interrupts my chain of thought.

When she goes I want to tell her to stay but I'm not having anybody see me like this, especially not the person who still believes that I'm not what Jasmine says. Seriously she's supposed to be my sister! What sort of Sister does that?

I draw the blinds on the door and the windows. Nobody else is going to come in here now Mo has gone home and everyone else has gone to the bar. I'm alone and in two minds, in one way I want to be alone but in another I just want someone to come in and tell me it will be ok but I know it won't come it didn't come when I was young and it won't come now. History repeating itself.

I slowly walk over to my desk and find the key to the bottom drawer. My hands are shaking and it takes me a few seconds to get it open but I know what I'm looking for, what I always used to look for. I pick up the box in the bottom of that draw and flick it open, I see the offending instrument sat there just wanting to be brought back to life. I cave to its command because the sooner I do what it wants the sooner all of this will be over.
I drag it back and forth across my skin the cold metal and blood pouring from the cuts calming the thoughts in me until I can't feel any of the pain, Jasmine, Hansen and Everybody else caused me. I put the blade back into the box and everything in that draw back to how it was nobody will be able to tell I was in there. I don't think anybody has ever seen me open it before and they never will. Then I turn to the problem at hand the blood running down my arm that will soon drip onto the carpet. I grab some tissues from the box next to me and press them onto my arm. I sneak out of the office and to the toilets after getting a roll of bandages from the storage draws.

As I run my arm under the cold water the burning starts to creep in but it's relief all the same. I can see a few that are still lightly bleeding but I wrap the bandage around anyway because if I stay here much longer then someone is going to get suspicious when they come out of Albies to the fact my car is still perfectly parked. I grab my coat easing it over my destroyed arm and grab my bag. I dump any director of CT paperwork on the floor, it's not my problem anymore...

I trudge into the office the next day feeling terrible about the night before. I arrive to find Mo has taken my job and the paperwork that I 'dropped' on the floor last night is no longer there but on Mo's desk. I sit back in my chair stareing at nothing, beats having to face those lot who probably just want to poke fun at me and insult me for being such a failure. Just then Mo walks in and I give her a glare
"You ok Jac why you not out on the ward yet your normally the first one ready to go on a morning shift"
"Don't feel like it"
"Come on Jac I still believe in you, you'll bounce back your Jac Naylor nothing has ever stopped you before"
"Fine I'll go get changed then" I pick up my scrubs and undershirt to cover my arms and head for the toilets.

When I'm changed I slump back into my chair if anyone wants me they can find me. I pick up a file on my desk it's a review of a patient from 2 weeks ago came in for bypass and stent when his right ventricle collapsed. I just start to type when I get interrupted once again; this time it's my complete waste of a space sister.
"Jac we need you out here were already 1 consultant down that's not you and we can't get anyone from the agency"
"You'll manage"
"We need you, (She shuts the door and comes closer) if this is about last night then I'm sorry ok I didn't know that would be outcome"
"YOU DID IT FOR YOURSELF! HOW SELFISH CAN YOU GET JASMINE? YOU LOST ME MY JOB AS HEAD OF CT AND NOW NOBODY RESPECTS ME THEY ALL THINK I'M A FRAUD AND AN IDIOT THANKS TO WHAT YOU SAID!!! get out of my sight! I MEANT IT!"
"What's gotten into you Jac?"
"Get out I don't want to see your face right now." And with that she hurrys out then I realise what I've done. I get up to run after her but I can't see her.
"Matteo did you see were Jasmine went?"
"No but ask Mo she's just gone back to the office."
"Thanks"
I take it a bit too quickly though and catch my arm on the side of the nurses station feeling a sirge of pain through my arm i know that i have at least reopened a couple of my cuts from last night as I feel my arm grow warm from the blood. I resist the urge to grab my arm and I head for the office again but she's not there neither is Jasmine. The locker room is the next best place. When I get there I can only see Zosia but I decide to ask her anyway.
"Zosia..." then I get cut off
"Jac what is that?" I look to where she is and it's my arm and it's covered in blood I deffinetly caught at least 6 for it be letting out that much blood. I quickly shut the door behind me before anybody else can come in.
"What is it Jac?"
"Nothing to do with you it's fine really I'll patch it up in a minute"
"Let me look I can do it for you"
"No I'm perfectly capable"
"Let's me help Jac"
"I don't need it Zosia" I think she'd had enough of me fighting as she grabs my wrist this time I can't help but wince at her grip...
"Just leave it ok!" I try to pull away but fail as she has know grabbed the top of my arm to stop me from moving at all.
She rolls up my sleeve while I look away I don't want to see the look on her face when she knows what I've done to myself.
"Oh Jac why?" I'm determined to keep it together because if this gets out I'll never be respected by them again. I stay silent as she goes to the other side probably to get the first aid kit.
"You just gonna stay silent then? You will come out on top you know,your Jac Naylor you've not lost a fight yet"
"Your right there"
"First time doing this then?"
"Nope if you want to know, since I was 12 when one of my friends saw I learnt my lesson then, I was only 13 but I knew that if i wanted to keep my secret I had to hide it." I lift my scrubs top so she can see a bit of my stomach it's covered in the thin white marks of blades from around 10 years back, I managed to stop when I finished medical school, over 10 years after I started. She finishes up my arm and sits next to me.
"What made you go back to it?"
"That case"
"What case?"
"The one with Fran Reynolds, I shouldn't have got involved it's my fault she got hurt to begin with and I was just going to leave her again for my own benefit I'm selfish and horrible, don't act like you don't agree with what some of them say."
"I don't Jac really, I care." I don't think I can stomach much more
"Thanks for your help Zosia now I think we should treat some patients before anybody gets suspicious" I can't tell if I sound it but I feel quite faint and frankly very scared.
"Good idea Jac, just be careful ok?"
"Ok"

What am I doing she's my junior. If she goes to Hansen I'm finished, I shouldn't have trusted her i should have scared her or shouted at her like I did Jasmine. What am I going to do now...