What A Kiss Is

Chapter Fifteen

And it is weird being here, even though right now things aren’t too bad. Also, I figure it’ll help Amber feel better about me being gone if I don’t actually want to be here.

Amber’s text back brings a smile to my face.

SEE U SOON. CALL ANYTIME

Is this what it’s like to be dating someone? Where that person is just sort of there for you? Like I can text her when I’m sad or can’t sleep, or just want to talk.

I have no idea what to do with myself, so I strip down my boxers and my T-shirt and start flipping channels on the TV. It’s been forever since I just vegged out and watched TV. Living out a boat definitely changed what I do with my veg-out time.

My stomach starts to rumble, so I order room service. I realize my pants and shirt are wrinkled from the flight, so I ask to have them pressed. I stifle the urge to ask someone to run to Armani and pick me up a suit. I’m sure they’d do it. Sort of amazing what I can get while in boxers, in my hotel room.

- - -

I lower myself back into bed, now the proud owner of a nicely pressed shirt and pants, and a full stomach, but it all seems a bit ridiculous.

Dad and I do fine on his boat. Granted, I just learned its a million dollar boat, but still. The everyday stuff just isn’t that hard. Why do I miss this? Not that Mom and I ever spent money for these kinds of extras. But still, what was it about being here that I loved so much?

Mostly the idea of it. The image of it. Of knowing I blend in to a city that feels like the center of everything. The middle of the rest of the world. But in the long run, does that even matter?

To me, it matters that Mom is gone, a thought I have to quickly shove away. It matters that Dad loves me, even though he’s weird. It matters that I have Amber, or that I’m part of whatever’s between us. David, even with his…eccentricities or immaturity, or whatever, is a good friend. Hélèna, such a part of my past, also adds to who I am. Now I kind of feel like shit over Gem. Dad was probably right. She probably did want more, but she was willing to do more, with a lot less than I should have given her.

I leave the TV on, and try to drift off, but give up.

This place feels off without Mom. I don’t belong here anymore. I feel it, the weight of the knowledge that things are different. My life is different, changed, and will never be the same.

Two AM, and I know I’ll be leaving for Seattle tomorrow. I can’t stay here. Not with this weight hanging over me.

- - -

“Antony?” Gem’s voice is unmistakable.

I spin around in the lobby of the Waldorf and almost run into her and her parents. “Hello Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.” I reach out my hand.

“Antony. It’s great to see you,” her mom says. “We’ve missed seeing you around.” And then her sympathetic face hits me.

“Yeah. I’ve missed being here,” I tell her, just trying to hold onto some measure of politeness when every sympathetic looks sends splices of something sharp through me. “Gem, do you have a sec?” I ask. And what the hell am I thinking?

Her eyes flit from me to her parents. Her carefully straightened blond hair swishes around her as her head turns. “Uh, sure.”

I step in next to her, and we walk to the nearest set of small chairs.

“This is crazy, running into you here.” I shake my head.

“Yeah. I mean, we come here for brunch pretty often, but, yeah. Weird. I didn’t know you were in town.”

Right. Now’s when I should say something. My brain just isn’t—

“What’s up, Antony?” She smiles, but it feels different. Wary almost. Not what I’m used to from her.

“I just… I feel like I was never as nice to you as I could have been.” Isn’t that the most important thing?

“Oh.” Her brows pull down.

“I was just thinking, that’s all. I guess, I guess I want you to know that you’re a cool girl, and that I’m sorry if I…” Man, I’m crap at this. “If I ever made you feel like you weren’t important to me, or made you feel bad, or…” I rest a hand on the back of a chair, and I’m like gesturing with the other hand, only I’m crap at that, too. It’s like I left New York and turned into a middle-schooler for real.

“Wow.” She folds her arms, but in a relaxed way, not a frustrated way. “It’s like you’ve changed. I mean. I always felt lucky for being the girl with you when we were together.”

“But, was it enough?” Or was I the jerk off I thought I wasn’t?

Her whole face looks confused—her brow is wrinkled, and her eyes are all squinty. “Are you…asking me out?”

“No!” I say way too quickly.

“Then I’m confused.” She shakes her head.

“Sorry. I just want to make sure that I never made you feel bad.”

“Well, you’re a lot nicer than anyone else I’ve…been with.” Something very real is on her face now.

“Your expectations are way too low,” I tease. “You’re gorgeous and smart and shouldn’t put up with any shit.”

Her brows come down as she starts to turn away. “You’ve changed, Antony.”

“Is that good?” I ask.

“I guess, yeah.” She smirks. “It was good to see you.”

“You, too.” And I may be crap at trying to make things right, but it feels good.

“Thank you.” She pulls me into a short, tight hug before letting me go.

And the crazy thing is that I feel lighter for it.

- - -

As soon as I step outside, the weight of the city, of being here, pushes down on me again, and I shove it away like I’ve been doing with everything else I don’t want to think about. One more stop, and then I’m heading to the airport to go home. Home. To a boat. My life is definitely not what it used to be.