What A Kiss Is

Chapter Thirteen

“You’re a bit of a show-off, diving like that.” Laughter laces all through her words.

But I can’t answer. I’m choking on missing Mom again. I let my head slide under the water, but don’t sink the way I want. Not in salt water.

Was this what dying was like? Cold? Piercing? Silent? Or was it flames? Burning? Suffocation?

When my head breaks the surface Amber’s close. Dad and Lynn are in some water fight on the other side of the boat.

I’m suddenly fighting not to cry. Mom should be here, jumping off this sailboat, breathing, alive. This is not a good time for me to feel this way. Not that there’s ever a good time.

I take a deep breath, go back underwater, and swim for the ladder. I stay under until my lungs burn, and I start feeling that weird tight forehead feeling I get just before passing out. My face breaks the surface, and I gasp in for air.

“You okay?” Amber calls.

But I don’t have the voice to answer. I should. I can breathe. I’m alive. But words won’t come.

All I want is to push down the weight, the sadness. Death plays over and over in my head and I want that to go away, too. But I don’t know how to get rid of the weight, or the sadness or the thought of your mom is dead.

I pull myself out of the water and go straight for my bathroom. Head. Whatever. My hands are shaking, and I keep holding my breath, as if that somehow will help me keep in the pressure of the pain I’m feeling.

I stand in the hot shower for longer than I should. Water on the boat’s a big deal, but right now I don’t care. I slide into sweats and a plain white t-shirt and lie down on my back. My knees are up, and I stare at the ceiling with my hands resting under my head.

How do I get rid of the heaviness of death? The craziest things bring this on. Ordering a coffee. Standing on the beach. Jumping into the ocean. It’s all random. I can’t figure out a way to avoid everything that’ll pierce me like this. Not when I don’t know what they are.

I pull out my phone. I haven’t been answering anyone, so I haven’t been hearing from anyone. Nothing. I don’t even want to see my email inbox right now.

There’s a soft knock on my door.

“What.” It comes out sharper than I mean it to. I just have no idea how to make nice with anyone right now.

“Your dad and my mom are occupying the other shower. Do you mind?” Amber’s standing with her towel around her waist, in her swimsuit top, shivering in my doorway.

I half leap to sitting, and then all I want to do is touch her. That would make this go away. Make me forget for a while. “Yeah. Sure.”

She has to walk right next to me—my room being the size of a large cardboard box and all. I reach out and let my fingers touch her side and then her back as she passes. She gives me a wary glance over her shoulder as she steps in my bathroom, closing the door behind her.

Why can’t she be like other girls I’ve been with? The kind who would look at me and say, Antony, you look so sad. And then rub their hands over me and take off their top, or put my hands on their bare waist or something. Even a hug. Instead I get a wary look from Amber. Why does she think I’m this big of a jerk?

I pull out my phone and send Hélèna a text as the shower turns on. And yeah, okay, I know this is kind of an asshole thing to do, but seriously, I can only take so much.

I MISS YOU

She answers immediately.

MAYBE I’LL SEE YOU SOON