What A Kiss Is

Chapter Six

Girls lying on their side are the sexiest things ever. She looks soft, her shoulder curving down to her waist, and the steep curve back up of her hip. I reach out to put my arm around her, and pull us together. But that’s not for me and Gem. That’s different, for someone I love. And I like Gem, but she knows what we are, and what we aren’t. And as good as it would feel, I know it would give her wrong impression. It starts to tap into my thoughts that what we did last night might also give her that same impression.

How do we know that the physical stuff doesn’t count, and that the emotional stuff does? It’s just something that’s sort of understood. At least that’s how it is with my guy friends, and until Amber, I haven’t really ever had a friend that’s a girl.

My damn phone beeps again. I’m still messed up. Drunk, high, something. I answer. “Hello?” But my voice doesn’t sound like me. It’s all warped or something like from a satellite phone.

“Crap, it’s you. Your dad’s so worried.”

“Amber?” I ask. I mean, who else would be calling at some insane hour to say something about my dad.

“Yeah. Are you okay?”

“I’m really, really, really, wasted.” I close my eyes. It’s better than the ceiling coming in and out of focus.

“You sound it.” She has this whispering laugh, and I close my eyes.

“Guess I sorta screwed up, and now everyone’s worried about me, huh?” Only it’s really Dad who’s worried, because Mom’s not here anymore. Her name sends waves through me, and I never really got the reprieve I wanted.

“Something like that.”

I breathe enough of the weight off my chest to talk. “Why did you call?”

“I’m the only other person your dad knows, who sort of knows you.”

Right. What on earth am I supposed to say to Amber? “Wha-cha reading?” I ask.

“That’s what you want to talk about?”

“Yeah.” I’m still on my back wishing that the room would hold still. Wishing Mom was here. Wishing I still felt whole.

“I’m…I’m reading a memoir from this guy who has Asperger’s and toured with KISS?”

Her voice is slowing me down, helping me focus, helping me relax. It’s the first thing that’s dulled the pain ripping me apart. “Can you read it?”

“Now? On the phone?”

“Yeah.” My body slumps down, relaxes into the bed. “But I might not stay awake for long.”

There’s a short pause, and she actually does it. She starts reading. Her smooth voice tells this man’s story, and it’s crazy interesting. His writing voice isn’t stellar, but it’s honest. It’s him. It feels better than anything that’s happened to me all night. I’m drifting back off, but I can’t tell her to stop, her voice is…

- - -

I don’t know if it’s morning or not, but my whole body aches, churns and swims.  Gem. Shit. I’m pretty sure I remember Gem sleeping next to me, but now she’s nowhere to be seen.

I’m still dressed. That’s good. Do I want to know what happened? I’ve never passed out like that before. The thought of it kind of freaks me out—not knowing what happened. Phone’s in my hand and wallet’s still in my pocket. That’s also good.

I stumble into the living room. There are a few people passed out on the couches, wrapped in blankets from last night. I start to look for my suit jacket, but don’t really care. I never want to see the damn thing again anyway.