I CAN'T SAVE US ↠ KAI PARKER

09. I need you

"Sorry, my tragic past isn't exactly a nice conversation topic, guess being the family reject doesn't really leave you with good childhood stories to share" he joked carelessly and I was surprised at how well he seemed around what would most likely be an uncomfortable subject for someone else "hey, another thing you can blame my father for, nice"

"We don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to" I told him softly and he just shrugged.

"There's nothing to talk about, it's quite simple. I was born a siphon in a family full of witches, which earned me the 'abomination' nickname from father dearest, who hated me and enjoyed torturing me in his very own creative ways. He also brainwashed my entire family and everyone we knew into treating me like I was deadly disease and nature's worst creation" he explained casually but his voice was so hollow, completely drained from any sign of emotion and I know it means the complete opposite. His lack of emotion, only makes my heart ache for him and I feel furious at Kai's father and everyone who just followed him along into treating him the way they did. How could a father be so heartless to turn against his own flesh for being born differently? And how could anyone just stand there without doing anything about it? Why would they treat an innocent child like that when it wasn't even his fault that he was born that way?

"I'm so sorry... I'm sorry you had such an aberration of a 'father', if you can even call him that" I told him cautiously because I wasn't sure if I was being too intrusive but part of me feels confident enough to say something else "If anything, I think is quite amazing that you were born a siphon in a family full of ordinary witches" I added, giving him a warm smile and he does the same, his eyes locked on mine for a few seconds before he continues looking at the road again.

"In a way it feels like I'm over it but I think that's just me keeping my demons on a leash" he admits and I appreciate his honesty because it makes me feel like he trusts me in the same kind of way I want to trust him.

"My uncle John used to tell us to slay our demons, why keep them on a leash?" I asked him genuinely curious of his answer.

"If you slay your demons you lose your fire, like it or not, our demons make us who we are. As long as you tame them, you're in control" he answered and I couldn't help but smile at his explanation. He had such a different way of seeing things, and it seemed to me like his past had only made him stronger.

"That's smart, never thought about it that way" I told him looking at the passing trees.

"Do you have any demons to keep on a leash, Maddie?" he asked casually and I was surprised at how confident he was to ask me something so personal but then again, I did ask about his mother.

"I'm not sure," I answered because I didn't really know what to say and I've never given it a thought or at least avoided to. One thing I wasn't good at was accepting things that troubled me.

"Any fears or dark truths you might be hiding behind that angel face?" Kai questioned again and I could feel his stare but I kept my eyes locked on the passing landscape.

"I guess you could say I fear... grief... losing someone" I muttered already beginning to feel uneasy about where our conversation was heading but Kai didn't ask anything else, so I turned my face to see him only to find his eyes emptily staring at the road like if my response had somehow given him something to think about, making him space out and for some reason I felt like elaborating on my answer "maybe it's because I lost my parents and the only completely 'living' relative I have is my little brother... grief... I just... I'm scared of it" I said focusing my eyes on the road and frowned as I continued talking.

"I was the kind of girl that did everything her parents told her to, they always had the right answers to everything and I always did what they thought it was right but then they died when I was sixteen... their voices were gone... and it just got so quiet in my head. Elena handled it so perfectly, I guess she felt like she had to because she was the oldest but our little brother, he didn't take it so well... and I didn't know what to do, so I just didn't grieve at all... their voices were gone... and I was so lonely... even if my friends were always around me... I retreated so deep into myself that I forgot my way back because I didn't want to face any of it. Then just as we grew more attached to our aunt Jenna and when I finally believed that maybe everything was going to be okay... she died and I didn't want to grasp any of it, I couldn't. Then my little brother sort of died and Elena lost it, she was a vampire so she shut it off... and I was left alone with all of those feelings... so I didn't let myself grieve again and I was glad I didn't have to and when she burned down our house filled with all the memories I ever had of everyone I've ever lost... I didn't do anything about it because it got so quiet and lonely again, despite of everyone constantly reassuring me" I said pausing for a few moments before speaking again "Each time we've lost our friends or anyone, my brain just immediately pulls me back without letting me to do anything about it. I fear... what grief would do to me... I never knew how to handle it, always avoided facing it... facing the fact that I've lost almost everyone I've ever loved... and I honestly think I wouldn't survive it but I know I won't be able to doge it again... so I just hope I'm not around to live the day when someone I love dies. I doubt Jeremy goes faster than I do, Elena will probably be half-alive for the next decades and most of my friends are vampires, here's to hoping I won't"