In The Mind of a Psychopath

1

       It was evident that sleep had slipped away once more.

       Just hours before, I discovered a hidden past about her I never knew, nor was informed of: she had feelings for another girl. Of course, this shouldn't have worried me, as it was before our relationship began, and as her previous one fell apart; this should have been entirely irrelevant to me and it didn't pertain to my well-being nor the safety of my relationship with her.  Despite this, my past continued to creep out of the depths of my unconscious and provoke that sense of fear within me. Following this, like every other time, the same events occur: she becomes infuriated, I'm left alone, and I end my day here, reminiscing about the conversation that could have been avoided. I'm always left to blame myself for any uneasiness between us, any awkwardness experienced in each other's presence, yet I have done nothing wrong...at least in my eyes. 

       Of course, that's only because I see things differently. I'm certain that, in this same situation only in reverse, she would have felt the way I did: worried that I would leave her for another woman, or even another man. And yet, even when I apologized--for whatever reason-- I was left to be ignored for hours on end; no "goodnight", no "see you tomorrow", nothing.
      
       And this is where I end up: lying here wide awake, unable to sleep due to the uneasiness of what's to come the next day, contemplating whether or not things will be alright. This will work itself out, I say to myself. She can't possibly stay mad at you--she cannot resist you. I began to feel that familiar sense of anger rise in my gut, the type that's followed by a cluster of other emotions. She cannot leave you. She is a slave to you, she must obey you, she will only ever be with--
      
       Before I can finish these thoughts, I slap myself, hard. It won't be like that with her. This time will be different, I say. This time, things will be better.
      
       As I closed my eyes, I tried to think of how things could turn out tomorrow, what could be said to fix the situation. My feelings subsided, and I could feel sleep clench its hands on my wrists, dragging me into whatever hell it thought I deserved.
      
       As I started to fall asleep, all I could think of was her. Things will be better; it's the only way.