Sometimes you just feel like writing, ya know? It's not precisely beautiful and maybe it's not poetic as you wish but writing makes the bad feel go away and that's important.
Having anxiety is not easy. It's not nice at all and it makes you feel like maybe you shouldn't exist.
I suffer from anxiety.
I have been suffering from anxiety since I'm about ten years old, but I started treating it when I was thirteen. I am fifteen right now. Hell is different to every person. My hell is drowning in my anxiety.
Details are important to anxious people. We always notice and remember them. Most normal people don't care about them but we do.
We always remember who yelled at us. Who said that thing about that person, and how we got an anxiety attack thinking they could think the same of us. We care so much.
I always try to compliment my friends because I know how it feels to feel like no one would notice if you were gone. My friends are beautiful and I love them. Every single one of them.
B is witty and dramatic and I love her, and she makes my days go by easier and faster. I think she has anxiety. I hope she copes with it well.
M is fighter of the new world, i swear. She's one of the strongest people I know and I'm proud of being her friend. I'm proud of having a friend who's so self confident. I don't have the guts to be like that.
F is unique. She's like a bunch of people in many things but she's still unique. She may be cold but she's not mean, and she's not made of snow, but she's made of blue fire. Sometimes I think she thinks she's not smart. She really is. I hope she knows that.
A has gone through a lot. I miss her. She changed schools this year and I never get to see her and she's the only person I've never felt alone with. I feel like she needs me and I sure need her. She's getting better, tho. I'm glad she is. She really deserves it.
I like my friends. I don't think I have that many friends because I'm afraid of most people but these girls make me happy. I couldn't go by without them.
I hope they don't get tired of me, I really don't. I don't want to be alone. I think they care. I'm not sure because I am so very scared but they are nice and they don't yell at me often and they don't touch me. I like to not be touched. I don't know why. When people touch me I get goosebumps and my whole body tenses and I hate hugs from behind so if you ever read this don't do that to me. It hurts my heart.
I'm mean to people because I am scared of them. I'm not as strong as they think. I'm not that strong at all. I'm just very violent and very angry because it is the easiest feeling and it keeps people away so they cannot hurt me.
I really don't know why I have friends. They think I'm funny. And maybe I say things not most people would say. I don't know. I write pretty things too.
Maybe not as pretty as a rose or the sun but still pretty. It's like talking when my brain can't shut up.
For me, real silence doesn't exist. I may be in silence on the outside but my brain talks a lot and I don't want to hear it as much.
I love hearing tho. Sound makes my life complete. I like music that sounds right to my brain and shuts it up. It's the only way I can do that. Music makes me stop thinking about this world and I switch to other worlds and that's important to me.
I've told to my friends about some of my characters but I could never tell them about the whole world because it would stop being mine so that I won't write about.
I guess I'm writing this so I can talk to someone about it and this is the only way to make sure they're paying attention. I'll write more later I guess. I write the way my brain speaks, I'm sorry if it is messy. It's messy up here too. Messier, I think. It's not very nice but it gets help and it has pretty colours.
Oh, one last thing. Always look at people's faces. That's were their emotions are. If they have a bad face, ask. It's nice to know someone cares.
4/8/17
