I fucked up, I'm numb. I can't feel anything. My school grades are actually good, they're so good that I can skip a whole year. I'm so bored at school and home. I have a boyfriend, I have a friend, I have friends at school. But still I'm suicidal, I lied.
This weekend, I lied. I lost a friend, he and I met in the first year of High school. We went to camp with severel other first years. He was in my class, after two days we started hanging out. He wasn't the prettiest, I know that. I just didn't really care, I liked him, because he was kind. Yes, he was. We started dating over the summer, which really wasn't dating. He was 14 and I was 13, we only held hands once. We hugged once, that was a big thing. I broke up with him, because I was second placed by his Playstation. I was mentally older than my age.
Now, a few years later, I just turned 19 years old and he is 20 years old. We recently started talking on the Instagram DM, I said to him that he got better looking. I wish I never said that, I saw him a few times on the train station, but ignored him. Really, I have been kind of ignoring him since I broke up with him. I just didn't know what to say and what to do.
We started a conversation, I told him about my work. I manage a juicebar in the weekends, I make juices, healthy cakes and salads. He was looking for work, he told me he'd come Saturday. He never showed up, I was mentally prepared for him to come, but he didn't. That's where it all started really, there was an alarm inside my head and I knew I needed to stop talking to him. So I did, I didn't say hi, I didn't say anything really. Untill he did, he started the converstaion and I wish he never did. He told me he would come by this saturday, I thought, "ye right, just like the last time". But he did show up, he handed my boss his ressume. We talked a little and he went off. My bosses came up to me and they were really, really excited to have him as a co-worker. I wish he was still bad looking.
I had troubles with my boyfriend and it looked like we didn't last any longer, so I texted the guy, "I could use some company", I wish I never texted. He'd pick me up somewhere and we would drive as long as I wanted, we were alone for the first time. I could choose the music, since I listen to hardcore, it was his bad. We drove to our town and we had fun, we told eachother stuff we both missed out on and talked about our "relationship". He said to me that he was glad to have a good friend back in his life. All I could think of, does he really sees me as a good friend, I thought we were just acquaintances. I started seeing him as a good friend as well, and you can tell a good friend stuff, right?
He was driving me home and I told him I've been suicidal since sophomore year and I hoped it could explain my behaviour back than. He told me he was glad I was sitting next to him. We didn't text for days, I didn't tell my boyfriend.
I started sending him memes, because he is my good friend, so I could, right? We talked again, but it didn't turn out so well. I told him about the stuff at home, I had lots of fights with my mom and my sister. He, as a good friend he is, told me he'd pick me up tomorrow around 2 pm, to cheer me up and distract me. Yes, he was a good friend, I thought that as well. But things changes easily and very quickly, trust me on this one.
The next day, I got sick, I got numb. I didn't feel a thing, I told him. He said, "we will meet up another time, I'm going to the gym". You see, this was my first actual problem. I ignored him for several hours, without telling him why. I needed him, I needed him to cheer me up and distract me. I told my friend and she stood up for him, she told me that he was making time for me. That's not my problem, my problem is that I was replaced so quickly. Like he didn't actually wanted to hang out with me and be there for me, it felt like he just had to do it, because he was a good friend, right? I told him that he got me replaced really quickly, I didn't know what I wanted to hear, because my friend was right. He went on it very seriously and told me that I didn't have to speak to him like that, because I cancelled. He was right, but I felt bad that day. I didn't go to my boyfriend's place that night, because I wasn't feeling well at all. Nobody picked up the signs, I was throwing hints on everybody also on snapchat. Like are you all dumb or something? What do you want me to say? Do you want me to spell it out for you? I-M S-U-I-C-I-D-A-L, I need help. I didn't get the help I needed.
I went a little further, I lied. I told him I kissed a guy we both know, it was ages ago, he told me that I was a whore. I told my friend and she said to me that he doesn't have any respect for me and that I don't need him in my life. And I don't need him at all, I wish I knew before this all happened. I told him it hurt me, he told me to get over it. I told him I was invited to a party, which I wasn't, because I have only one friend and her and me look like eachother, we both watch Netflix all fucking day. It was unlikely to ever get an invitation to her party, because she would never throw any. He asked me what time I would be there, I told him 9.30pm. I have never been to a party, so I didn't know. He told me it was really early, I told him I was there early for the good stuff (I meant weed), I never smoked weed, well okay once, but that's another story. He asked me if there were any nice chicks, do you see? He asked me a lot about my girl friends, he wanted to fuck me as well, as for this party. I told him, I was there. I wish I didn't. He took it as a hint and I meant it as a joke. He asked me if I wanted to cheat on my boyfriend, I said no and told him he doesn't have any respect for me or my relationship. He said, I provoked him. I was making a joke. I told him there would be XTC, coke and other drugs, he said he would stay home and strongly adviced me to stay home as well. Later, I asked him if he could bring me home if I was too drunk. He said that he would, but only if I brought a nice chick with me. It was a cry for help, I wanted to know if he would be there for me when I needed him. He wouldn't be, he was a good friend, right?
It gets worse, sunday he asked me how my party was. I said fine, nice people. If he knew me well enough, he would know that first I don't go to party's, I would never "like" being around people or that I hate crowded places. But he didn't, because that's how much of a good friend he is. I told him I was done with life. I wish I didn't. He asked me why, I told him "everything". He asked me what I meant with everything, I told him home, health, "friends", relationship etc. Etc. I was making a hint to him when I said friends. He asked me what was wrong with my health. I lost a friend when I answered. I said, I feel bad mentally and physically. I quote with what he said "wow, you sound depp man, go think of happy thoughts". Depp means depression. Thanks man, I'm cured now, I answered. That was the last thing he would hear from me, he asked me why I was angry. Well, I was angry because you DON'T tell someone to just think happy thoughts, it is like to say to an obese person to just stop eating and to the poor just earn money and to anorexic people to just eat. It doesn't work like that.
I deleted him on snapchat, out of my contacts, I deleted the converstaion on WhatsApp, I deleted every single text in DM's plus the whole conversation, I unfollowed him and turned into a private account. I deleted all screenshots, I was hurt so badly, that I didn't feel it anymore, I literally deleted someone from my life. I don't need him. But you see, he might work at my place soon, but he is a good friend, right, so I'll forgive him than.
Update 23th of May 2017:
We talked saturday, because my boss asked me to. She wanted to know if he was still available, I told her no. I regretted it immediately, I told her after that I didn't know for sure and that he was being vague about it. I texted him and he acted like nothing happen. In the end, she told me that we don't need him. I told him and he ignored me, untill today. He told me he had his interview today and that we are colleagues now, tomorrow is his first day. I'm scared for the first meeting again, I'm scared he'll ask about it. I don't want to talk about it. I'm scared when I walk around town that I'll see him.
