Admissions

Chapter 1

A/N: Flashbacks are in italics.

Gail stopped in front of her locker and breathed. She closed her eyes as she exhaled, slow and steady trying to calm whatever it was she was feeling.

She rested her hand on the cool metal in front of her and somehow that helped, the coldness of it attaching itself to her and for the first time that day she felt a little more like herself.

Gail pushed the rest of her breath out as she let the light back in; her lips slightly parted and she tried not to think about her friends that were still in hospital, or the gorgeous brunette she left in bed at six o'clock that morning. She thought if she didn't concentrate on any of it, then maybe she wouldn't have to deal with it, and then maybe for a few minutes she might find a bit of peace.

She had that feeling in her chest again and she didn't know what to do with it. It was exactly how she felt when she woke up and realised where she was, and ultimately the reason why she'd ran – because Gail Peck didn't know how to have those feelings. She didn't know how to function in the presence of someone who provoked such a strong response from her and so she felt like she had to leave.

So that was what she did; even when she knew she was making a huge mistake Gail had gently closed the door to Holly's apartment behind her and headed straight for the station to begin her day. She threw herself into her no shit taking, bold and brash officer Peck persona that she had crafted so meticulously during her twenty-eight years and she hadn't let a single thing touch her.

Gail Peck knew how to deflect, it was an asset she perfected through being the daughter of her mother and Gail knew better than anyone how to focus on whatever was needed in order to get the job done. In this case that was not to dwell on Chloe and Sam lying in hospital in critical condition with gunshot wounds; not to think about Oliver's abduction that made her relive her own with snapshot imagery and which in turn, lead her onto Jerry's death.

She knew how not to talk about it in therapy so she certainly knew how to avoid the thoughts during the day. She would leave that for her dreams.

Gail felt the coolness of her locker again as she leaned her forehead against it. Even though nothing particularly eventful had happened during her shift it was still difficult. It was difficult to just keep going, to patrol the streets and keep the serve and protect image alive but someone had to do it, and Andy needed to be at the hospital and Dov wasn't in a good place so Gail came through for them. She always would, even for Andy.

"Hey," came a cheery voice behind her.

Gail spun from her locker and her mind felt a little slow to catch up with her body. It made her dizzy for a moment. She had to squint to focus on Traci walking toward her. "Oh, hey," Gail replied.

"You okay?"

"Yeah." It was an automatic response that came out without thinking. Gail wasn't okay, but it wasn't like she was about to admit it.

Traci looked at her as if she was aware of it all. She of course knew the pain of loss and Gail always felt like she had absolutely no place to even try and feel any worse than Traci. If Traci was able to carry on then so should she, and she would. She was a Peck, after all.

"Are you?" Gail asked in continuation.

Traci shrugged. "Yeah you know..." she trailed off, not being about to find a suitable word and just shrugged by way of an answer. "You free to go over to the morgue? I want a rush on some evidence and I figure you're the best person to get some quick results over there."