Abe Birch has been a drummer all his life, but he's never been successful. Things changed when, after a chance encounter with a bar buddy, he was recruited into Chylok and The Actual Movers--one of the biggest and most unique bands in the world.
Bu...
Since everyone, myself included, who first sees his name in writing meets confusion with the pronunciation, it's probably best to get this out of the way early.
Chylok is not pronounced with the typical hard ch- of chatter or chew, but rather with the soft ch- of chagrined or Chicago.
/ˈʃaɪˌlɒk/ (shy~lock)
And, no, as far as I know his name bears no relation to the Shakespearian Shylock. Although, who's to say, I guess. He does have a vaguely Semitic appearance.
Chylok is only an inch or two over six feet, with an average build, a bit on the thin and sinewy side, but his hair makes him seem much taller than he is. His long, chestnut hair perpetually stands on end. I haven't figured out how he does it, but he has maintained this hairstyle ever since the band first entered the scrutinizing public eye. It's essentially an afro, I suppose, only it's not dense, but straight and vaguely wavy. He looks like the victim of perpetual electric shock. He looks like a homeless schizophrenic with countless years of grease and bug shit having hardened his hair stiff while he was hung upside-down. If you ever get up close to him, though, it's immediately evident how clean his hair is, even fragrant. Whatever he applies to his hair to make it do that smells of coconut and an aged Merlot. His face is long and angular, with sharp cheek bones, long ears, and a thin sharp nose. The natural shape of his lips is a sort of mocking grin. His eyes are narrow and searching, and he already has wrinkles forming around them (I don't know how old he is, but he must be over forty). He has a thick, dark beard and sideburns when he lets them grow out, which he does on occasion. His body hair is dark, the short curly hair bleeding high up his chest is already going gray. He despises tattoos so much that he wrote a song about it, 'I Despise Your Tattoos (and I Despise You),' in which he basically just lists off his reasons for hating tattoos, so he has no tattoos (although I have heard rumors that he does have one in a discreet, hidden spot). He wears expensive vintage clothing. On stage he is most often barefoot, in shorts and an open shirt, but he will sometimes wear a stylishly cut suit or, on occasion, a stylishly cut dress. He is normally stoic and calculating, but prone to extraordinary bursts of creativity and enthusiasm.
But when I knew him before I knew who he was, I knew him by the name of Limey. That's what we all called him around the Benefit of Christy. Limey the bloody Brit was a proud Englishman, and he loved it when we called him Limey. A limey. The limey. The stinking limey. Fucking limey bastard. Whenever someone was drunk enough to ask his real name, he'd only tell us that we'd nailed it. Limey.
When he's Limey, his hair falls downward like the rest of us, lying uninterestingly over his ears, covering his neck, greasy and smelling of beer and meat, or else it's tied back in a flat ponytail. He almost always wears a hat of some sort, either a beanie, a ball cap, or a bowler when he's feeling extra British.
His last name, incidentally, is Magus.
Chylok Magus.
And he's not British at all, just as good an actor as he is musician and songwriter.
He's from fucking Maine.
As far as The Actual Movers are concerned, that name is pretty easy to figure out. Within the group and among the fans, dancing is strictly enforced. That's self explanatory. But also, what most people don't realize is that we, the musicians, physically move all our own gear. We travel with a sizable and loyal road crew, however, both when we arrive at a venue and after the gig is finished, the crew sits around drinking beer while we band members take everything out of the trucks or put it back into the trucks. Usually, but depending on how drunk the crew is, they will at least help us to set the stage or break it down.
This is just the way things are done, and it's the way things have always been done. And, in fact, this aspect of life with The Actual Movers was the easiest for me to get used to, because none of the bands I'd ever played with had ever been able to afford a road crew. I had always moved and set up my own drum kit before, and I still do.
My name, by the way, is Ayers Birch. But people call me Abe. Or A.B. Or, simply, the drummer.
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***End of a two day work week here, I'm heading off on a little vacation.
***Back to the story soon.
***Comment and vote away, let me know what you think so far!
