The Spawns

The Spawns | Chapter X -- What Do They Teach You at Nun School?

            As I reached the living room, my cellular that was in my back pocket started to ring.

            Before I could even say hello, a voice cut me. “Please, please, come and save me from the two Desperate Housewives!” Mai’s voice whispered hastily on the other end of the line.

            I laughed and threw myself on the couch, opening the TV, flipping through channels.

            “Sorry, no can do. I’m extremely busy at the moment.” For a second I worried that my clothes might stain the couch but shrugged the thought away. Worse case scenario, I’d tell Mom it was Dad’s fault.

            “I swear to god, if you don’t come and pick me up this instant next time I see you I’ll cut your balls off and make a fanny pack with them for each of the two hysterical overly estrogenic men with me right now!”

            Okay that was both funny and very terrifying. “You wouldn’t dare,” I answered her, straightening up and muting the TV.

            “Oh I would, I would dare.”

            I laughed, shaking my head. “Who’s being overly estrogenic now?”

            “Look, it’s awful okay!” she whined. “I’m hiding in the ladies room because I know the minute I go back to sit at that table they’ll ask me about every single embarrassing thing they can come up with, like what’s my menstrual cycle, have I been having cramps, do I need to shop for new bras, am I more favourable towards thongs or granny panties, do I need to go see an aesthetician for my personal grooming, honestly it’s like they’re trying to overcompensate for the fact I don’t have a mother presence in my life.” I could have sworn she was pulling on her hair as she ranted.

            “You prefer thongs, you already have way too many bras, you have your own aesthetician for that and your menstrual cycle is of thirty four days which means you should start your period in about one week, and you don’t have cramps and those are the many reasons why you postpone ever starting on the pill because you’ll have them more often and you worry it might make you somewhat normal,” I informed her, matter-of-factly.

            “Aw, I can’t believe you remember that conversation” she crooned.

            “Trust me, there was no way I could forget that conversation.” I shuddered. Ew.

            “But wait, you calculate when I’m going to start my period?”

            Oops. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut… “What, I just want to know around what time I have to worry about your sudden erratic behaviour,” I answered with a guilty grin that was obviously unnecessary since she couldn’t see me. I’m sure my tone implied that guiltiness though.

            “Bitch,” Mai simply replied curtly.

            That was expected. And because I was a moron, I decided to push my luck. “Also, it prepares me for any other red incidents that might happen on my bed cover.”

            “You know what? You’re suddenly very not entertaining anymore.” I laughed but she ignored it. “I think I’m going to go back with the two drama queens.”

            “You do that,” I chuckled.

            “Yes, I will. And you better keep your eyes open because I’m going to come and collect my fanny packs!”