Love Bites

LOVE BITES Chapter 24 : Guilty Conscience

The way I acted -- it was only ever something I'd fantasised about. But now that it was reality... the whole ordeal stained my conscience like a poison slowly seeping into my bloodstream. Life draining and terrifying. It replayed over and over and over and over and over in my mind like a movie without a stop button.

I kissed my brother.

He was the man I had looked up to since I was a child, the one who cared and watched over me in place for the parents I had lost, and the one who I had come to realise that I had fallen completely and unconditionally in love with along the way.

It was so wrong and yet I loved every heart hammering moment of it.

What was wrong with me?

There had been a pressure behind my eyes since I escaped the shameful situation and ran back to my room, dived under the covers of my bed and tried to block out the world. But the tears refused to spill.

Alastair didn't follow me, he didn't move at all actually. Even when I backed away in a complete stuttering and frantic mess, almost tripping over my feet in the process, all he did was stare at me, stunned at what I'd done. Probably disgusted too. How could he not be?

I really couldn't consider facing him. Not now, not ever again. I didn't think I could handle seeing his face; his usual kind eyes and gentle smile twisted into a hateful sneer of repugnance. The thought alone made a cold shiver run down my body, pulling me further down into the hole of wailing guilt I'd been tearing myself apart in for hours.

I'd have to kill myself, I concluded solemnly. It was the only way out of this turmoil. I could already see the flashing headings: Last known Imperial vampire had taken her own life after committing the great taboo of falling in love with her brother and later acting upon those feelings.

There was no way things could return to how they were before tonight. It happened and there was no way I could pretend that it didn't. And that's what hurt the most; knowing that I'd lost the one thing that ever truely made me happy, forever.

A sudden rap at the door made me jump.

My eyes shot open, staring through the thick air that hugged my body beneath the blanket. I could tell that the sun was out, the blanket somewhat illuminated in front of my face.

"Nikki, we need to talk."

I recognised Alastair's voice through the wooden panel of my door but I didn't answer. I didn't know how. There was a knot in my throat that made speaking almost impossible, swallowing more so. A fire ignited in my chest, the kind that burned up your throat and made you gasp for air.

Was he angry? Did he hate me now? Was today the day he said he would leave me? I was shaking and in consequence of that, I couldn't make out the tone of his voice. He must of been angry. He must of despised me. I knew he did.

What was I supposed to do?

In that moment I wanted nothing more than the blanket to swallow me whole.

Just respond you're not feeling well, that little voice in my head sang again. It was condescending, belittling the situation.

But if I avoid him now that doesn't save me from later, I responded.

Then what's your excuse for last night?