Just an illusion. | Jaythan AU | co-written with @chasing_TW

Chapter thirty two

Chapter thirty two.

Max's words echoed in Nathan's mind long after the night was over, long after Jay fell asleep in his arms. Jay hadn't cried, and he'd survived the night without having one of his episodes or fits. Nathan was thankful for that. He thought maybe he was better for Jay than he thought.

Max had said that if Nathan hurt Jay, if he left Jay, Max would make a move again. Jay was completely oblivious to this, so what if Max stayed away and Jay thought he did something wrong in looking for Nathan? What if he started blaming himself again? Or worse- what if Jay blamed Nathan for Max's distance, thinking he said something to Max that would scare him away? Nathan couldn't let that happen. He would not lose Jay, nor would he ever leave. It wasn't natural for them to be together, since he was Jay's guardian angel and that was clearly against the rules, but there'd been no consequences, so he would keep going on this way.

Nathan knew deep down he was doing the wrong thing, loving Jay the way he did and holding him and kissing him the way he did. Jay didn't know it- why would he? He wasn't aware of anything beyond this life? He only knew that when people died, they went to a better place. That was as far as Jay knew about any Heaven or any angels or any God. Nathan knew Jay didn't believe in any sort of God since his schizophrenia took him over. Nathan felt sorry that he'd lost that element in his life, that Jay was so broken he didn't believe in anything good until Nathan came along.

Nathan wished he could get rid of all the bad in Jay's life with just a snap of his fingers, but unfortunately, it didn't work that way. He absentmindedly kissed the top of Jay's head and stroked his curls. Jay stirred and wrapped an arm around Nathan's waist as he cuddled into his chest even more. Nathan loved that feeling, albeit a wrong feeling, of wanting Jay so badly. But he would never take that away from him, not if Jay didn't totally want it. Jay was innocent, and Nathan couldn't be the one to take that innocence away if it was against Jay's will, or if he was even ready for it.

Little did he know a certain someone had already taken it away by force.

~*~*~

Max found himself walking around the neighbourhood late at night by himself. He didn't know what else to do. He couldn't sleep, not with knowing that he'd just basically given up Jay. He'd handed him over to someone else. Max wondered sadly if Jay ever even meant what he'd said about hanging out that way together again. What if it was just in the moment? What if Jay didn't really mean it because he felt guilty over making Max jealous with his uncontrollable urge to find Nathan?

That thought hurt Max more than Jay wanting Nathan more than him. He knew that in giving up Nathan, he'd just given up any chance of the two boys going out together again. Of holding hands. Of kissing.

Max felt tears build up in his eyes but he wouldn't let them come down. Max wouldn't be so weak. He'd chosen this, he'd chosen to give up Jay. Now he had to deal with the consequences of that. He had to deal with the emptiness and the void he felt in his heart. Max clenched and unclenched his fists as he faced the reality of the situation.

Max would never have Jay. Jay was never his to claim. Jay was never his to keep. Jay's heart was already filled with someone else, and there was no more room for him in that picture. It was just Jay and Nathan. Max was a misfit puzzle piece fabricated the wrong way so that he just couldn't quite fit. He didn't fit in Jay's puzzle piece of a heart. He knew it, Nathan knew it, and Jay probably knew it too. Max was a dead weight. Max was a cockblock standing in the way of Nathan and Jay. As much as it hurt Max, he knew he had to leave. He couldn't handle that pain anymore. He had to let go.

~*~*~

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Nathan asked Jay as they stood in front of Jay's uni.

"I have to, Nathan. I have to move on. And I'm not scared anymore, now that Tom is..." Jay trailed off and swallowed hard.

"Don't say it, love. I understand. If you think you're ready, then by all means", Nathan replied, smiling brightly and squeezing Jay's hand before letting go.

"Thanks, Nathan", Jay said with a smile. "You always know how to make me feel better." Nathan giggled a bit before giving Jay a little push.

"Go for it, love. I'll be with you all day. No one will see me, I promise." Jay nodded and faced the school. He took a deep breath before walking in.

As the day progressed, Nathan realised how smart Jay really was. He did his work quickly and thoughtfully. Even some of the teachers seemed surprised by Jay's sudden improvement. Nathan smiled to himself. Jay's healing, he thought. That's why he's doing so well now. Jay's trying to move on. Jay actually even volunteered to solve some difficult and scary-looking math equation on the board. Obviously Nathan couldn't make heads or tails out of it, but Jay seemed to know exactly what he was doing. In the end, his complex solution of retarded numbers and letters combined that Nathan thought looked like some alien language was correct. Jay smiled and nodded, feeling quite accomplished with himself. Nathan couldn't be prouder.

Jay was getting better, and Nathan realised that as long as he had Nathan, Jay would just keep getting better. But something in Nathan's gut told him something was about to go wrong. He tried to ignore it, but it was there, a low hum of doubt and fear of the unknown settling in like a seed in the earth.

Nathan looked at Jay, working hard, furrowing his eyebrows as he looked for a solution to yet another freaky equation. Suddenly the picture of Jay getting better didn't look so bright anymore. It actually looked bleaker than ever.

Written by @chasing_TW.