Just an illusion. | Jaythan AU | co-written with @chasing_TW

Chapter twenty five

Chapter twenty five.

Nathan stayed awake the whole night, with Jay in his arms. Every whimper Jay made in his sleep, Nathan held Jay tighter and a smile would creep up on Jay's face when he felt Nathan's arms around him.

Jay woke at around 4am from having a bad dream but when he saw that Nathan was still there with him, holding him it instantly calmed him.

"Are you okay?" Nathan had asked Jay, which Jay nodded "yeah, just a bad dream but I'm fine now" Jay smiled.

Nathan looked at Jay concerned, "are you sure?" Again Jay nodded.

"Yes I'm sure, as long as you're here I'm good " Jay had reassured Nathan before he drifted of back to sleep.

6 hours later Jay had awakened for the day and Nathan smiled at Jay sleepily.

"Hey love" Nathan said as he watched Jay rub the sleep from his eyes.

"How are you feeling?"

Jay answered the same as he did at four in the morning, "good"

Jay was no longer mad at himself for pressing that button that turned of Tom's oxygen, if it was the other way round he would of done the same. Jay knew he was no way near ready to get over Tom's death, Jay knew he would mourn over his old friends death for days, weeks even. What happened back at the house was forgotten but not forgiven, he still resented Tom for doing what he did but there was more important things than that, Jay just hopes that Nathan will never find out.

"How are you feeling?" Jay asked Nathan.

"Me? I'm fine just a little tired, I didn't sleep at all last night" Nathan spoke truthfully.

"Why?"

"I was worried about you, so I stayed awake"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to keep you awake"

"It's okay, it isn't your fault I wanted to stay awake, you didn't make me"

"I'm still sorry" Jay told Nathan truthfully.

Even though Nathan reassured Jay that it was okay, Jay still felt guilty for keeping Nathan awake the whole night, Jay also felt guilty for the pain and heartbreak Tom's family will feel when they have to go down to the morgue and identify their dead son's body. It made Jay feel sick to the stomach, he wished he could make the pain easier for Tom's family but it was inevitable.

Jay wanted to stay in bed all day, cocooned in Nathan's arms and bed sheets but he knew if he did then Jay would just make himself stir crazy. Jay got out of bed and shivered from the loss of contact from Nathan's strong, warm arms. Jay then started getting ready for the day, not even bothered that Nathan was still there.

"What are you doing?" Nathan questioned.

"I'm getting ready, I want you to take me to go and see Max"

Nathan frowned, "aren't you doing too much too soon?"

Jay shook his head, "No, I need to do this I can't dwell on the past."

"Now are you going to take me there or am I going to find my own way there?"

"I'll take you, as long as you're sure" Nathan was worried that Jay was doing too much, too soon.

Jay shrugged on his jacket, "yes I'm sure" Jay smiled.

~*~

"Do you want me to wait in the car?" Nathan asked.

They had just reached the hospital that Max was in and well the same hospital that Tom was in.

"No, please come with me but if you don't mind just wait outside the room if that's okay?"

"That's fine"

Jay had to hold onto Nathan as he walked up the path into the hospital, he had suddenly gone light headed and flashbacks of Tom's last moments hit Jay like a tonne of bricks.

"Jay? Jay! Are you okay?" Nathan noticed how pale Jay had gone and started to worry.

Jay placed a hand on his head and grabbed hold of Nathan, "yes just a little light headed, I'm fine now"

"Do you want to go home?" Jay shook his head.

"No, I'll be okay"

Jay and Nathan walked arm in arm to Max's room, Jay was feeling a little better and not as light headed like he was before, "are you sure you're okay going in on your own?"

"Yeah I'll be fine" Jay pecked Nathan's cheek before he walked in Max's room.

When Jay walked in Max was asleep, Jay made sure that Max was asleep by making sure he could feel and hear Max breathing. Jay climbed in the hospital with Max, and wrapped Max's arms around himself.

"Hey Max, I thought I would tell you... About Tom" Jay let a few tears run down his face.

"He's dead Max"

"I killed him"

"I didn't even get to say goodbye"

"It was all my fault"

"I deserved to be locked away, wether it be an asylum or a prison"

"And I just wanted to let you know that I love you Max and I've done enough damage and I don't want to do anymore damage"

"Please forgive me for everything I've done Max"

"I love you remember that"

Jay hadn't realised that Nathan had heard everything Jay had just said and ended up breaking Nathan's heart. Nathan swallowed back the tears that were threatening to fall and ran. Ran out of the hospital. Not even bothering about his car Nathan just ran as far as he could not even looking back.

Written by @nicely_mcguiness.