His Eyes

Chapter 3

The cold tile of the bathroom floor always felt comforting to my cheek. Was that strange? Somehow the wetness of my tears combined with it to relieve the burning fire within me. With my eyes closed, I held my breath, trying not to heave loudly as I cried. I didn't want to give Jon the satisfaction of knowing how much his words affected my heart.

I needed to escape, but there's no way. I had no money of my own. I didn't have a car. I'm not allowed to touch Jon's car keys without permission, and even if I did find the courage to walk out the front door in the middle of the night, where would I go? I had no where to call safe. I had no one to run to. I had nothing that is mine.

Since the reality of escape was off the table, I chose to escape into the past and pull forward a memory of one of the only people I've related to in years.

I sat at my picnic table, fidgeting with my fingers. I saw movement in the corner of my eye and turned to see the skinny,  young man I've seen nearly every day for the last four weeks heading to his spot. I watched, trying not to be obvious. There was something about him I am drawn to and I found it hard to look away.

Finally, he looked my way making my hand rise for an involuntarily wave.

His face indicated he wasn't sure he saw it correctly as his eyes dart away and come back quickly. I felt myself smile ever-so-slightly as I gave him a second motion, letting him know it was purposeful.

Eyes together for several seconds, he finally nodded, accepting my gesture as real.

I watched him put his earbuds in and tinker with his phone a bit. It's obvious he wants to be left alone, to be invisible, but something made me rise to my feet and start his way with a slow, graceful stride.

The closer I got, the more often he looked up to see if I'm really coming toward him. Only a few feet from his table, I stopped and waited for him to acknowledge me.

Once I had his eyes, I tilted my head slightly and allowed my brow to dip with compassion. "You look sad."

He pulled the earbuds from his ears and quietly cleared his throat. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

"You look sad," I repeated.

"Oh," he said as he turned his head to avoid me.

"Are you okay?" I asked wanting his eyes back to mine in the worst way.

He looked down at the ground and nodded. "Yeah, I guess."

"I see you here a lot. I guess we have the same solitude schedule."

"Seems that way."

Silence told me he was uncomfortable so I prepared to retreat. "I don't want to bother you, so I'll just—" I pointed back toward my table and turned to go. "Leave you be."

As I began to leave, I heard his throat clear a second time. "You look sad, too."

I stopped, my eyes closing as my heartbeat echoed loudly in my empty chest.

"Are you okay?" he asked kindly.

Tears filled my eyes. I'm wasn't okay, not even a little. But it didn't matter.

"You can sit—if you'd like."

Did he just invite me into his world? I turned around slowly, wiping my eyes so he wouldn't see what I wimp I was. "Are you sure?"

I watched him nod once, the same nod he gave me earlier. I pressed my lips together and gathered the nerve to sit across from him.

Once seated, I watched him fiddle with the cord of his ear buds, making sure not to look at me. He was young. Much younger than me. I could have probably been his mother which made me feel a little gross for thinking he was attractive. Much more attractive than me.

He uttered nervously. "Wh—why are—are you—why are you sad?"

Our eyes met again for a few seconds. I realized no one had asked me that question in my life, not once. Quickly, I fell to tears in front of this complete stranger.

A loud bang broke me from my memories of the day I met Jason.

"Are you done yet?" Jon's voice echoed from the other side of the door.

I sat up quickly not remembering if I had locked the knob, but soon knew I had as I watched it ratchet back and forth without opening. I slumped my back against the wall and looked upward across the small room to see the medicine cabinet was slightly ajar.

Jon was speaking, but I blurred him out as I rose to my feet and opened the cabinet fully.

Sleeping pills. I wonder how many there are. I wonder if it's enough.

I quickly fisted the bottle and opened it seeing it was nearly full. I looked in the mirror at my tear stained face and knew, I couldn't take this life for much longer.

I blinked. My heart shot a bolt of sharp painful electricity through my being and I made my decision. I whispered, "I'll see you soon, Jason."