All That I Am

Second To Your Job

I sit at the engineering table hitting play to replay the vocals I had recorded earlier, leaning my head in my hand.

***

I walked in to see Camille hopping on the couch playfully, continuing her conversation with Rayne who was cooking in the kitchen our suite provided. "And the Llama licked me. He wasn't mean like daddy's llama back home." She says before shifting her eyes to me. Mikey beat her to the punch of greeting me with a wide grin and hugging my legs. It felt good to see them, I was always so locked in the studio, I forgot what my own kids looked like.

Rayne on the other hand greeted me with a small smile before turning her head back towards the food. "That's all I get?" I grin placing my lyric book on the table before heading into the kitchen. I wrap my arms around her resting my head on her shoulder.

"How was the studio?" She says nonchalantly.

"Same as always. A place I don't wanna be...I missed you." I peck her cheek.

She laughs sarcastically, "I'm sure you did." She releases my hands from her waist, before walking towards the stove.

Rayne never has a problem letting me know she's upset with me and no matter how much I try to ignore it, she won't let me.

The dinner table was quiet, nothing but the sounds of our forks and knives scratching against our plates. Plus the sound of Mikey making small noises as he ate.

"Did you finish the CD yet, daddy?" Camille asked, breaking the silence.

"Not yet 'Millie, it's a long process." I answer.

"Yeah, sometimes too long." Rayne mumbles.

Rayne and I exchanged looks almost speaking with our eyes to confirm we'd be speaking later tonight. I clear my throat and continue, "see after I sing the music, I have to make the voice match the music and then mix the sounds and-"

"Michael.. I'm sure Camille has no clue what you're talking about." Rayne chuckled halfheartedly.

I look over to Camille who shakes her head in agreement with her mother. "But it's nice to hear about daddy." She smiles.

"Maybe another time." I grin, looking at my cellphone. I roll my eyes when I see the name "Tommy Matolla" on the ID.

Rayne scoffs, "during dinner?"

I give her a sorrowful glance before heading into the bedroom and closing the door.

I was so tired of Tommy blowing up my phone everyday to ask about the album. I groan before answering, "Good evening Tommy. You got me during dinner, what can I do for you?" I ask in my phoniest pleasant voice.

"I was calling to see how it went in the studio today. I see it was another 9hr job huh? Must be working hard."

"Of course, I take my music very seriously. You know that." I pace the room impatiently, waiting to get back to dinner.

"I know that for a fact. You're the king of pop for God's sake. You have to take it seriously!" He laughed, "anyway, I also wanted to talk to you about the deadline-"

"I know it's scheduled to be released by October 2001."

"Right.. so where are we with production?"

I roll my eyes again, I knew I had to be finished with it by September of next year but I had been dragging my feet on finishing it, simply because my heart wasn't in it. "Yeah we're pretty deep into production. It's September so we've got a year left. You know with my wife and kids being here with me, my time is a little stretched."

"Well I trust you'll manage your time wisely. Nothing else should cloud up your schedule.."

No, of course not. Just my daughter's 9th birthday and then my son's 3rd in December.. I think to myself. "No." I answer sharply. My call was interrupted by Rayne quietly entering the bedroom.

"Well Tommy it was a pleasure speaking with you but, I have to get my kids to bed. We'll talk later." I say ending our conversation.

Rayne lays in bed, her face buried in her book. "You don't have to get the kids to bed. I already did that.." she mutters.

"Oh, well alright.. did you wanna talk?" I ask sitting at her feet.

"About what?" She says flipping the page.

"About what's bothering you.. because obviously there is something. So what is it."

She shrugs, "its a lot bothering me Michael.."

I grab the book, shutting it, and place it beside her. "Tell me." I ask softly, cupping her chin with my hand. "Is this about Maria?" I ask.

I watch her eyes water just at the sound of Maria's name. "Baby I know it hurts. I wish there was a way I could make it up to you. I'm trying, I really am." I admit.

She snatched her face away, wiping her few fallen tears. "It's not just her.. it's not just the cheating..."

"Well what else is there?" I ask.

She sighs, "I feel like you're putting work before your family. We barely see you anymore Michael."

I stand up annoyed, "babe.. you know I don't control this. I'm on a strict deadline. I can't help this. If I could quit, I would."

"There are some things you can help Mike."

"Like?"

She scoffs standing in front of me, "like taking your cellphone calls during dinner."

"It was Tommy Matolla babe, I can't just ignore-"

"It's always Tommy,or Rodney, or Teddy... I'm tired of being second place in your life. Your kids barely see you. That Zoo trip was supposed to be a family trip.. but you had to hit the studio for 9 hours.." she says with her elevated pitch.

She was very upset, it was obvious. But all I could think about was how damn cute she was.
"You're never second to anything in my life.."

"It doesn't feel like it. It feels like I have been raising the kids alone.. like we don't matter right now. I get that you have an album due, but... it's hard doing this alone."

She sighs before sitting on the edge of the bed, pushing her hair back.

I didn't have a response, because it was true. I hadn't been there for my family for the past two months. Simply being there for dinner wasn't enough, I knew that.

"I'm doing everything I can to be there, but with Tommy and Sony hounding me down my back.. I can only do so much. You've gotta bear with me until this album is done." I say, gripping her hands in mine. I lean my forehead on hers, pecking her nose softly."