my fault | justin + alex

chapter two

Justin couldn't imagine what it felt like to almost lose a brother. He didn't have a family that cared about him at all, let alone a brother, and the only brother he'd had his entire life was Bryce. It was safe to say that Justin had gotten rid of Bryce from his life, so even losing Bryce wouldn't compare to the way that this guy was feeling about Alex. The man's words stung a lot more than he cared to admit.

Shouldn't you?
Justin didn't know. Should he be at the hospital with Alex?

Instead of giving in or brushing him off, Justin went for a more defensive approach. Being defensive was the only thing he could think to do to save himself from feeling more pain than he already did. He couldn't remember ever feeling so useless and guilty, not even after he listened to Hannah's damned tapes. "I only just fucking found out," Justin told the guy pointedly, looking down at his own bleeding knuckles for a distraction and sighing.

"My dad spoke to someone on the phone yesterday, didn't they tell you?" the man's voice was eerily calm compared to Justin's. Justin couldn't decide whether he found that reassuring or worrying. Either he'd accepted his brother's fate or he had every hope that Alex would be okay. Maybe he was just numb to it all.

It finally pieced together, the events of the past twenty-four hours falling into place. Zach had more than likely called Alex yesterday to see if he mentioned the tapes to the lawyers, maybe that's when he found out. Zach had called Justin so many times to tell him what happened and, being an idiot like always, Justin didn't answer the phone.

The look on Justin's face was enough to inform the brother he hadn't been told before now, Justin's words had merely confirmed it, and Peter assumed they'd just made the announcement to the students. Justin's reaction and expression right now was reminding him of himself. Even Alex's dad didn't react like this. Clearly Peter thought that Justin was closer to Alex than he really was, but Alex didn't have anyone calling or texting him, besides a guy called Zach yesterday that soon stopped when he found out what happened. The family wanted to believe that Alex's friends were just busy but the more time that passed, the more they assumed no one was going to call. "Do you know which locker is his?" he asked. Justin only nodded. "Can you show me?" Justin nodded again.

The two guys walked into the school, their bloodshot eyes and the dark rings around them matching. They had very different reasons for their lack of sleep but their tears were being shed over the same boy. Justin walked to Alex's locker as though he didn't have any doubt which one was his, that was the truth, and he wondered if Alex's brother knew the code to get in. Soon that confirmed as a yes when Peter did the code and opened the locker. Justin was curious as to what he wanted the locker for but he didn't want to question it, it was giving him five more minutes of life before he walked away from the school and ended it. He wouldn't get the reaction from the teachers and students that Alex had and he wouldn't miss, he'd try his hardest not to miss so he didn't end up in hospital like Alex.

Justin could only imagine waking up after intending to end it all. It would be awful and by the sounds of things no other friends of Alex's had visited the hospital, Justin automatically hated Zach for that. If Alex was just as alone now as he was before he attempted then what was the point of his second chance at life? It was doomed to end the same way Alex intended to end it the first time, the second time he wouldn't fail. Justin was glad Alex was still alive but he himself wouldn't be alive long enough to see that blonde hair again. Alex was better off not seeing him, Justin could imagine he was the last person Alex wanted to see. He wanted to visit, he really did, but he assumed Clay and some others would go now they knew.

"We just want to know why," the voice snapped Justin from his thoughts and his chest tightened painfully at those words. If he hadn't paid as much attention to Alex as he did, Justin might have been asking the same thing, but Justin knew all about the tapes and Alex's feelings on them. It was cruel with the more he thought about it because Justin did pay attention, he paid more attention to Alex than anyone else, and yet he still didn't notice the boy was suicidal.