Maybe It Wasn't An Accident

Questions- and honest answers.

04/10/17

I feel like I've gotten on a deeper level with all of you- or anyone who still reads. Sorry I'm a disaster.

How am I? Where have I gone? What have I been doing? Do I know why I've been doing it? When do I plan on coming back? One question at a time.

1st question: How am I?

Next question please.

I'm kidding. But maybe I'm not. Anyway, I'm getting very emotional right at the moment. My mom canceled my appointment to the city counselor. I've been having moments of my own, and I'm holding my chest together in hope that it won't fall and all shatter on the floor. Fun.

2nd question: Where have I gone?

Places much more far. Places that keep me in the middle. I've been with the wrong presence for a long time. I've been kept from being who I wanted to be, and I can't go back in time to save myself. I've gone to millions of places, without leaving my house.

3rd question: What have I been doing?

I have been trying to put ends together and work my way backwards. I'm having fun finding out what I really am. I'm a person with emotions and boundaries; but to some people, neither matter. I've been getting sleep, and I've been watching a lot of television. I might end up figuring out who I am, but It won't get much better.

4th question: Do I know why I've been doing it?

No. Things happen in my presence, and I try to figure out how the hell that glass of water got in my hand. I'm very confused, and I really am starting to realize how anything I do, and how hard I try, it will be as if I did nothing because nothing I do matters. I'm trying to say this in the least self-depreciating way, but I truly do not change the events or effects of someone else's life. I don't have any business there. I did something. I piled up the courage and did something that I thought could change someone's life. I spilled my heart and soul into the act- as it's nothing I would normally do. I couldn't get a single text back. I don't blame them, I'd delete my message too.

5th question: When do I plan on coming back?

Hopefully soon. I hope so, anyway. I'd date to stay like this forever. If I do, you'll find me dead in a ditch.

FULL NOTE:

I am wishing I was born into a different personality. I wish I'd met different people and had a different intention. I wish I had the courage to do what they do. I wish I was as slick with everyone as they are. I wish I could keep a conversation. I just wish I was different.

At the same time, I'm glad I wasn't born into a different body and personality. I'm glad I met the right people, or I'd be like them. I'm glad I have a strong intention. I'm glad I don't have the courage like they do, it'll only cause me problems. I'm glad I'm not as slick with everyone, that'd be horrifying. I'm not that glad that I can't keep a conversation. I do wish I could share my feelings without being called 'emo' or 'too depressing to be around'. I wish everyone would believe that I'm not overreacting.

Is it better this way? Where everyone else is laughing along with their buddies, huddled in their own group, and I'm talking to myself because I am the only person I truly trust with my words. I whisper them to myself so no one else has to bear with me. It's amazing really, I could write them down, but I'll get sad and forget.

If you're still reading, thank you. I don't know what I've written to make you stay. I don't know if it was something you read that hit close to home, or if you're here to watch me grow as a person and watch me find my way.

Thanks <3