Forbidden Balm of Gilead

3 years of studying medicine and 3 more years to go, maybe more, Id rather not. I've never imagined myself actually doing this, never have I ever imagined Id imagine this.

Id arrived at our dorm. Usually its occupied by 2 more students: Jack and Marc. They always looked up to me, perhaps it was because I was 2 years older than them. They always treated me with respect and we never had any conflicts. I didnt have a thick bond with my parents, so perhaps they were filled with despair the most when I killed myself.

Doing what I did was easier than I thought. The ones who loved me are probably thinking how they didnt see the signs, perhaps he felt too much responsibility while studying. They would say, perhaps.

It all started when I came back that night with my hands coated with coagulated blood. I was still in a state of shock and tried my best at acting completely normal. youre back late Kai, something happened? Marc looked back from his shoulder from over the couch. I was trembling and I knew they would notice, especially Jack, who was studying psychology. I was prepared for an excuse if they would persuade me any further, Y-Yeah, Miranda didnt want me to leave and kept clinging. Marc didnt. I didnt notice it at that moment, but my face was snow white, and I saw that Jack did notice and started walking to the shower and shut the door. it must be really cold outside Jack said.

I cleansed my hands in the sink first with the shower head running. I scrubbed and made sure not a single particle of blood was left in the sink. I showered and my heart was still rocking out of my chest. I was afraid to close my eyes. That night it took 4 consecutive hours of rolling and sweating in bed before closing my eyes, and then the nightmares I had felt like I was stuck in it for days, until I woke myself up with my bed soaked. My roommates were gone to school already and I was there left to think on my own, until I got a message from an anonymous number with an address. It wasnt far away, so I took the bicycle. When I arrived a man in a big black van signaled me to come, I did. The man on the passengers seat had big sunglasses and a scarf covering his face. He handed me a piece of paper and they drove off. At that moment I still felt hopeful, because I memorized the plate number. My hope and resolve to go to the authorities however disappeared when I read the contents of the paper, and that was the moment I realized I had to put my death in motion.

I dont know what wouldve happened if Jack went after me, if he held the door open and didnt allow me to take a shower. Would I have told him what happened? Would he be in danger or would everything much easier. But now, thinking back, I understand why Jack didnt persuade me. We're friends, but Im not his patient.