Where is home?

Here I am again, trying to pour out my tangled thoughts in front of my laptop. I sweep my gaze around the room: Nah~ all the folks inside this house have already gone into the depths of slumber.  Just so you know, it’s already two hours past midnight. Me, still being awake at this hour, is very much normal. Yeah, I admit I’m nocturnal. In fact, I have been nocturnal even before my call center work altered my biological clock.

Being active during the night is a good thing for me though. Like I said, my thoughts and emotions are in chaos. Night is the only time when I get the chance to sort out things and contemplate about life.

There are a lot of things going on inside my head right now. Worst, every single thing that is bothering me seems to add to this utter sadness I have been feeling for months since I snapped back to reality after that eleven surreal months I’d had in South Korea.

I’m hurt, confused, vexed, sad. I’m longing for “what-has-beens” and “what-used-to-bes”. I’m wistful of the things I want to do and achieve. Sometimes, I blame myself for feeling these things. Yes, it’s like a mixture —-  a complex web of emotions which trapped me into this predicament I’m currently in.

Mess or not, it all boils down to one certain thing: I’m HOMESICK.

Yes, you read it right. I’m indeed homesick. I know it may sound weird. Why should I be yearning for home, if I’m already”home”? Or am I really?

I can feel my heart heavy with utter sorrow every time I’d remember that dream land where I’d stayed for eleven months. I’m a stranger into that place, that’s a given. And people expected me to be taken aback by the differences between my culture and their traditions. But things happened differently. I blended in. And it’s so ironic how I found the sense of home in a place where I supposedly don’t belong. That’s the only place where I felt comfortable being myself. There I felt welcomed. Most of all, that place taught me to make the most out of my freedom so that I can thrive effectively on my own.

Sigh…

How can you forget something which gave you so much to remember? Eleven months might be a short time for most people but often those swift moments will turn up to be the most memorable in someone’s life. But why is it so hard to let go of the things that are now just a part of my memory?!? (ㅠ_ㅠ)

Ever heard of “hiraeth”? It’s a Welsh word which has no English equivalent. And that word exactly describes this chaotic tangle of emotions I feel within. Originally, hiraeth is the longing one feels for Wales, and all things Welsh. In my case, it is my deep yearning for a connection with the land of South Korea. And this is the string which pulls me “home”.

Call me a traitor to my own people. Probably I am. I don’t know. .But isn’t there a saying that “Home is where your heart is”? It just so happened that my heart hasn’t left South Korea yet. Do you know how it feels living on autopilot every day. I wake up on routine, go to work on routine, do things I’m required to do on routine but my mind and heart aren’t really on the matter. It’s like there’s a huge void within my being: EMPTY.

Then again, it’s a hiraeth. I’s so silly that I’m homesick for a home to which I cannot return to—- at least, for the meantime, not yet.

But I’m an optimistic person. I believe that someday….. I can somehow find myself in a place where I truly belong.