Hogwarts, Giant Squids and Sirius Black

Chapter 36~ Killer eyes

Remus's POV

With my heart weighing heavily in my chest, I stopped when I heard loud sobs coming from the closed crimson curtains which engulfed Sirius's bed in heavy folds. Softening my footsteps, I approached his bed, which was shaking with his sobs before gently pulling apart the curtains, not expecting what I would see.

I'd only seen Sirius cry once over a girl and that was when Jenny Harper had kicked him in the balls in second year. Sirius claimed he didn't piss normally for a week. But this was much worse.

Sirius lay on his bed clutching a completely soaked Mr Squid, a silver locket clutched in his hand so tight that there edges of the locker were engraved in his flesh to the point where blood had gathered in his palm, his face a mess of red blotchy skin tears and mucus.

"Sirius," I began quietly, my heart shattering a little when he turned his head towards me, his red rimmed eyes watering uncontrollably, the misery undisguised in his eyes. "It hurts so much," he cried, his chest rising rapidly as he choked on air through his noisy sobs.

Hesitantly I climbed into bed with him and wrapped my arm around his shaking shoulders, putting his head to my chest as I gently stroked his hair, trying to make him feel a little better. When I moved his hair, I noticed a blossomed red stain on the collar of his neck and I instantly yanked his shirt off, ignoring his startled cry.

Sadness filled me when I gazed at the red bleeding line etched into his neck, obviously his own handimark.

"Why," I managed to choke out softly, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him hard until he looked at me with those empty eyes.

Oh those eyes, those killer eyes once filled with storms and the ocean, now faded to the stale blackwater found in the gutters which bled out into nothing, held nothing, not even the fragments of his shattered soul.

"I can't do this without her, I-I can't live without her, I can't!"

"Siriu-"

"Just kill me Remus," Sirius's voice cracked, "I want to die."

Instead of yelling at him for being so stupid and for trying to leave me, I held him for merlin knows how long until he had drifted off into a light uneasy sleep, Abigail's squid clutched to his heart.

Finally I let my own tears fall, letting out the raging battle that had gathered within me. I cried for Sirius, cried for a love that hadn't run its entire course, wept for the loss of Abigail and lamented over the realisation one of my best friends was ready to depart the mortal world and follow his love into death.

And then I finally understood, really understood, we were no longer children or teenagers, not even young adults, we were tired old men who had seen and felt everything. We grew up too fast, we loved too fast and we lost too fast.

With that in mind, I drifted off into sleep filled with demons and ghosts that haunted my mind.

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Startling awake, I clutched my heart, moving a sleepy Sirius off my chest accidentally. He grumbled before rolling over, exposing the wound on his neck that had yet to be healed. Looking at his bedside table, I took his wand and stored it in my robes just in case he tried something again before holding my own wand to his throat. 

"Vulnera Sanentur." 

As the edges of his skin started to knit back together, Sirius woke up with a start before his eyes returned to Mr Squid and he sat expressionless on the bed. 

"I need to clean you up Sirius okay?" 

When Sirius just shrugged, his hollow eyes boring into the bed, I slipped his arm over my shoulders and half carried him into the bathroom where I plugged the bathtub and filled it with warm water. When Sirius made no notion to take off his clothes, I sighed before closing my eyes and pulling his clothes off. 

Somehow with my eyes closed I managed to get Sirius sitting in the tub, submerged with bubbles floating everywhere. Opening my eyes, I grabbed the sponge hanging on the rack and started to lather it up on Sirius's skin before scrubbing gently at the lines of dried blood on his neck. The water soon turned a pink but Sirius's neck was clean, baring no evidence of the gash that had been there before. 

Muttering a spell, I siphoned the blood out of the water until it was clean again before grabbing the shower head and turning it on. Making sure not to accidentally drown Sirius I moved the water onto his head, dampening his hair as he sat in the tub crying. 

Lathering in a generous amount of shampoo into his hair, I turned off all my emotions and focused on cleaning the wreckage in front of me. 

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"Remus, I have something to tell you," Vanesa called quietly in the common room. I'd managed to put Sirius back to sleep, but the tears hadn't stopped, not even in his sleep. The sky was dark now and the stars were missing. 

Turning around I saw Vanessa, her trunk by her side and a sad smile on her face. No. Please don't leave. The look on her face said it all, from the apologetic look in her eyes barely masked by sadness. 

"I'm moving away from here, my parents, they've had a job offer in Australia and I said I'd been fine here but now tha- now that Abigail's gone, I can't stay," she blurted out, turning her head away from me. 

"Oh," was all I managed to say, feeling like somebody had punched another hole through my chest, "Take good care then." 

She looked at me and I had the sudden urge to kiss her farewell and tell her that I loved her but for some reason I couldn't. So I stood frozen as she left, disappointment clear on her face as she walked out of my life forever.