Lord of the Rings: Tales of Even More Random Craziness and Humor

Chapter 9: It's Finally Over (Is it?)

Legolas made an "o" shape with his mouth and nodded his head slowly.
"Where on Middle Earth have you too been?!" Merry shouted trying to sound angry. You see Merry never really got the hang of the whole "over protective older brother" thing so when it comes down to playing the role of "over protective older" he is a failure.
"Legolas and I were nowhere on Middle Earth. We were sailing the seven seas searching for adventure and treasure. I even got my own cutlass! 

Es suddenly pulled a cutlass out and started swinging it around like crazy while everyone else leapt back in terror.
"Es you're going to kill someone with that thing!" Frodo shouted from where he was hiding behind Sam.

"Sorry, got carried away." Es put her sword away without looking the least bit sorry.

"So let me get this straight," Piper said staring at Es and Legolas through narrowed eyes, "you two disappear after your "date" which was clearly a disaster. No one has seen either you for almost a month and that's because you two were sailing around on a pirate ship?"

Es and Legolas nodded.
"That is correct," Es stated, "it was supposed to be a short little "Let's take the boat on the water for a little bit" but then things got crazy." 
"What do you mean by that?" Sam asked.
"Well it started when I found some weird gold amulet thing and then these evil pirate guys kidnapped me thinking I was Mr. Elf Pirate over here (don't ask how it happened it's complicated) so Legolas had to come rescue me but then those idiots finally figured out that he was the one they were after and they took him while leaving me alone on a deserted island with a charming, yet somewhat crazy pirate captain. We managed to get off the island by signaling another ship and after taking over said ship me and the crazy pirate captain went to rescue Leggy and we made it just in time too because those guys were going to kill him (what else is new evil guys are trying to kill Legolas) and we all got out of there safe and sound."

"And that's when you guys came back?" Vili asked.
"I wish," Legolas said rolling his eyes, "we were going to head home when some idiot arrested Es and I for helping Jack (the crazy pirate captain) escape certain death. Then I was being blackmailed into finding him and getting his compass for whatever reason and ended up stuck on a ghostly fish boat and forced to work for some creepy octopus faced guy while searching for some key that Jack needed. Meanwhile Es had escaped and was now trying to find me and after some difficulty we all ended up on an island where some chest was that had the octopus guy's heart in it (gross) Es and I were about to hightail it out of there when the fish pirates attacked and I somehow got stuck on a giant spinning wheel, became extremely dizzy, and was hit really hard on the head. When I came to we were back on the ship being attacked by a giant squid. I almost died (again) Es almost shot my head off trying to help me then she shoved me into a lifeboat after accidentally handcuffing Jack to the mast before falling into the ocean where I had to save her."

"Wait..." Frodo scratched his head, "what?"
"How do you accidentally handcuff someone to a mast?" Piper asked.
Es shrugged, "I was under a lot of pressure, there was a giant monster squid attacking and handcuffing someone to the mast seemed like the best thing to do in that situation."
Everyone gave her a deadpan look as she started munching on some pretzels.

"So then you guys came home?" Sam questioned.

"Nope!" Es said tossing the now empty bag of pretzels over her shoulder.
"Leggy wouldn't stop being mad at me for handcuffing Jack to the mast and letting him die so we ended up sailing clear over the world (seriously I almost fell off the boat and would have died if Leggy hadn't caught me) where we found Jack (yay) but then we had no idea how to get back to wherever it was we were before. We ended up having to turn the ship upside down (please don't ask how we did that) and that's how we got out of that mess. But then we had a new problem. Some British guys wanted to kill all the pirates and since that included us we just had to get involved. I became the queen of pirates and we went to war. Things got crazy when a bad storm rolled in making some great visual effects but the rain made it hard to fight and I kept slipping all over the place. During the fight Legolas and I confessed our true feelings for each other just before we were forced to fight calamari head. Then the worst thing imaginable happened: Legolas slipped off the ship and fell into the water."