3a.m. thoughts

the afterthought

The thing about suicide is in the end you aren't there. You aren't there to witness the countless heartbreaks you cause. You aren't there to see your mother to walk through the front door and go to your room to ask you how your day was and see you dead and scream and bawl because that was her baby, no matter how old you were always her babygirl; and her babygirl was laying there dead. You aren't there to hear father screaming at your mother and your sister and drinking his life away for he thought it was his fault that his daughter had committed suicide. you're not there to see your best friend fall apart and cry her eyes out as she goes through old photos and silly videos and eventually her grades slips because she isn't in school because she just lost her everything and she starts having suicidal thoughts and she wants so badly to see you again so her parents put her in therapy and slowly but surely over the years she gets a bit better. You're not there to just hang out and be "one of the guys" anymore with your male best friends or hit on women with them or go to the arcade with them. You aren't there to see your little brother stare in confusion at your dead corpse as the paramedics take you away,and he now has to grow up without a big sister that would've made him so happy and he would've loved dearly. You arent there to see your girlfriend loose interest in just about everything you guys did together because the pain hurts her too much. The idea of you makes her weep because you both promised each other after high school you guys would just go and have a life together. You're not there every afternoon when your dog gets all excited to see your bus but you never come home and gets confused and starts whimpering for his best friend. Youu aren't there for the summer anymore to go roller skating or swimming or to go on dates, you aren't there for any of it. You're not there when the teacher that was always on your case just stares at the board in shock everyday and eventually quits his job while the kids in the class who are nomally crazy and wild are now quiet and sorrowful and the girls who used to make fun of you now go to different schools and attempt to have new lives and try to convince themselves that they had nothing to do with your death and not to mention they don't talk anymore. Your no longer waiting for your graduation or your prom or anymore school activities that seems like it would be fun, there is no more late night conversations with your lover. There is absolutely nothing for you but a whole lot of hurt for the rest of the world. A few years later you'll be 6 feet under and your birthday will pass and your parents still buy you a present and set it at your grave and weep and pray while your sister is now cutting and has suicidal thoughts and your brother grows up without a 2nd sister. Everything slowly falls apart; but you aren't there.