SOTUS: The Adult Years

Waiting in Vain (Maprang)

She is late again. She sent me a message that she was on her way but that was almost three hours ago. I was already in the area at that time. Prae has been doing this since she started those acting and modeling gigs. She's been missing classes too and last time we spoke she was thinking of taking a leave of absence soon. I honestly do know how to feel about it.

In some ways, I am happy that she is getting offers and positive news from her auditions. She maybe just new but she is already getting noticed. I feel proud when I see her photos in magazines and I never missed an episode of the drama she was on. Even though she only appeared in bits and pieces here and there. I am proud that she is doing things she wanted to do.

But somewhat, I feel angry. I feel angry by her lack of attention. She spent almost everyday with me over the past four years, it is hard to be walking the corridors of the faculty alone. May, our best friend, is of course head over heels in love with her boyfriend M. It is hard to accompany them and be the third wheel all of the time. They've been considerate of course. But sometimes, when I glance at them without them knowing and see how they look into each other and smile happily it is like a punch straight to your stomach. Not because of jealousy. But maybe of envy; they remind you constantly of something you lack --- something you yearn.

It was fun in the beginning. Falling in love. Falling in love with your best friend who understands you so much and who has always been there for you. But it was hard too, at first. I have always known she likes girls and I guess I was not too against on the idea. I remember she told us that May and I were safe. She will not have those feelings for us. It was actually me who started it all. Amidst her warnings and constant reminders. I fell in love with the constancy of her companionship and how she was always there to console me when I break up with my boyfriends.

It was that day at the rooftop when she saw me crying once again. It was someone from the Faculty of Management this time. A senior a year older than us. Of course during that time, we were part of the nursing and first aid team for the freshmen hazing, and maybe because I was too busy with the initiation that the senior started paying attention to someone else. We just broke up and I felt everything was breaking apart that I had to go to our rooftop to vent out.

All of a sudden she's there, with tissues and a warm hug. "I knew I would find you here. I heard what that bastard did to you. M and the others are planning already how to get back at him. Oak is thinking of stealing the tires of that precious car of his," she conspired. That comment made me laugh and we caught each other's eyes. "I'm tired, Prae. I am tired of falling head over heels with one guy after another and giving my all. I'm tired of being played and always trying to please someone. I am tired. Tired of it all."

She did not say anything and just held me while I cried. She has always known when to speak and what to say. And I felt her warmth then. It started as a joke. I looked at her and said, "Why can't I just fall in love with someone like you?"

She opened her mouth but did not say anything. Then I noticed how pretty her lips are and wondered how soft they may be. Without regard, I grabbed her face and kissed her. It was light at first. Testing the waters. When she opened her mouth, I slipped my tongue and immediately found hers. All of a sudden she pushed me back and we woke up from our stupor.

There was awkward silence. Both us do not know what to say. "I'm sorry," I apologized. "I don't know what came over me."

Prae was silent. Contemplative. "Don't ever do that again," she said with silent anguish. Does she find me so disgusting?

"I'm sorry," I said again. I stood up and my phone beeped. I read the message and told her, "May is looking for us."

"You go ahead," she said without looking at me. "I'll go to the washroom first."

Afterwards, there was certain awkwardness between us that May has started to notice. "Did you guys fight? What happened?"So I told May. "You should have not done that, Maprang."

"Why what was so wrong with what I did?"

"Because Prae has always liked you," May said with concern. "Haven't you realized that? How she has always been out there to take care of you? You can be really dense you know." I just looked at her. Then I started remembering the things she has done for me. How she is always there for me through my ups and downs.

Three days afterwards, I caught up with her at the rooftop. "Prae," I called her. She started walking away from me but I caught her hand. "Prae, I'm sorry. I did not know."

She tried laughing it off but still without looking at me. "Crazy huh? Don't worry, I will sort my feelings out. Just leave me alone for the meantime, eh? I'll be back to the old me, soon." She broke away from me and started walking towards the exit.

I stopped her by hugging her from her back. "Don't go, please," I begged her. "It is not you who need to sort out her feelings. It is me. I'm sorry for not realizing. But I don't want to lose you. You're the most important person to me now. I may not look at you that way, yet. But, if you give me a chance, will you accept me?"

Prae turned to face me. "Are you sure?" she said with disbelief.

I looked into her eyes and nodded. "Yes, if you will have me," I told her. She then hugged me tight and I remembered how happy I felt.

Like I said, it was not easy for us. We kept our relationship to ourselves mostly. Apart from our close friends, no one knows about us. She never did ignore the two us being together though. She has always find a way to spend time together and make it special. Until lately...

I looked at my mobile phone and saw the time. And again I realized I had enough. I left money on the table for the drinks and stepped out of the restaurant.