How much longer will I wait? It seems like an eternity that I have been sitting by waiting for the tide to swallow me whole. Watching every move that is made around me; I feel the pressure building upon my shoulders. Holding my composure I blink back tears as the world walks by me.
It feels like everyone is in a rush, moving too fast to notice the people around them rotting internally. Everyone hurries around pretending that they are the only one that exists. whereas I step slowly; taking a breath in with every step hoping that the next might not come. Praying that for once when I tripped over my uncoordinated feet I'd fall to the end of my story. The end where I don't get up and wipe the dust off of my jeans.
Overtime I stumble over the gravel I catch myself and stand tall lifting my tired feet over the obstacles. Time after time I hold my breath as I fall watching the world plummet around me. I open my eyes while laying down to see the world smiling snidely at me as if to say "You lose, try again". I swallow my pain, my tears and my hatred for myself and stand up.
Im strong. I never want to be seen as weak, because I am not weak; it takes real strength to hold back tears that struggle against your eyes. It takes resilience to hide from those who ask questions. It takes intelligence to remember the lies. I'm not weak.
I try not to fall apart for the few that love me. I hold myself together. they refuse to see me slowly splintering apart. I want to be the me that they used to know. The me before the sickness gripped onto me. The me before the darkness wrapped its slimy tentacles around my soul.I try to be the me that they remember. I fake one more smile as my best friend asks what's wrong. I reassure her that there's nothing going on in my head; that everything is perfectly normal. My insides are screaming at me to bellow at the top of my lungs
I'M NOT OKAY!!!
Why do I refuse to say it? why do I let myself get so swallowed up in the ache, in the despair? Why don't I just fess up and tell the people who care to listen. I need to be saved.
The days that pass, the more I feel like I'm drowning. In six feet of water and I don't know how to swim. I'm sinking deeper and deeper; won't someone just grab my arm and help me out?
I've heard the words before, said about me. Maybe she's depressed? Maybe I am..... But why doesn't someone look to see? why won't someone stop to ask me if I ever thought about dying? "because she's so animated and lively, why would she think that?" Its an act. its a facade that people want me to show them so I do.
I decided why I won't tell anyone what is inside my head. I know they won't believe that I feel like this. Im doing it for attention. Thats all they will ever say. Thats all they have ever said. "the honours student isn't depressed, she's in the dram club and she's socially bloomed. She's fine"
I can't handle not being believed anymore.... I can't handle... Being alone.
