EAT||Vkook

Chapter 7: EPILOGUE

A hundred days had passed since Taehyung left the Earth. As time went by, Jeongguk felt as if the tight grip around his heart had lessened. Little by little, he regained his appetite, although he would be lying if he didn't admit that Taehyung's song had helped him a lot in that matter. He felt stronger and it showed in practice. He slowly came out of the protective shell he had been hiding since July, letting himself feel again.

But he did not forget about Taehyung. Every thought was about him, but they weren't drenched in bitterness and guilt anymore. He often found himself talking to him out loud, as if he were there with him and he were to answer any time soon. He didn't get a response. Ever.

He was at a place where the pain didn't rip him apart the moment he opened his eyes in the morning. It was tolerable. Despite the improvement, he still nibbled at it from time to time, indulging in self-pity and loathing. But, all in all, he remembered the time with Taehyung as if it were a bad, distant dream: happy, confusing and painful.

After his birthday, Jeongguk realized he had hit rock bottom. One day, while staring at himself in the mirror, he didn't see himself anymore. Instead, he saw the same abyss he once saw in Taehyung's eyes before he ended his life. Of course he knew he was lower than low, but he hadn't felt the darkness creeping in on him. It had made its way to Jeongguk's soul almost imperceptibly.

So he let them take him to a psychologist. He actually made them take him because he knew he wouldn't do it by himself. He wasn't that brave. He didn't care that much.

They talked about grief and mourning and how losing a loved one is unbelievably painful. They talked about Taehyung most of the time although Jeongguk wished they didn't because even naming him was hard enough. But he couldn't shut up about him. After a few sessions, Taehyung's name was still Taehyung's name but it didn't remind him of death and sleeping pills. Taehyung's name rang hopeful in his mouth. It meant courage, strength, love.

So on the day one hundred, Jeongguk was ready to visit Taehyung's grave. He dressed himself in his most elegant suit and styled his hair the way Taehyung always said he loved it. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and could see himself smiling back at him. Before he did the last button of the shirt, he gently touched the hem of Taehyung's old ripped t-shirt which he was wearing underneath.

It was again that time of year that made Jeongguk's hands cold and stiff even when the sun was all the way up in the sky. He walked up the little hill that lead to Taehyung's grave with a slow but firm pace that would have made him break a sweat if it were any other season. The grass beneath his shoes was still wet from the night's rain. That didn't stop him from sitting in front of Taehyung's grave, though.

"Hey, Tae", he whispered as he crossed his legs. "It's been a while, huh?"

He felt strange talking to some mouldy stone with Taehyung's name engraved in it as if someone thought that by putting his name on it, it would seem less tragic. As if it seemed he was still with them, with the living. But he wasn't, though.

"I see they haven't decided on an inscription for the... thing yet", he trailed off. "Your mother said she didn't know what you would like to be remembered by. She said that maybe I knew."

"I've been thinking. I've been thinking a lot about it, actually. If I had to describe you with one word... I think it would be 'shooting-star'", he bit his lip and looked at the sky. "You appeared from out of nowhere, crossed my heart, lighted my whole life up and then disappeared leaving me in utter darkness."

"You used to like all those space crap", he chuckled. "Oh, my God, Tae, you wouldn't shut up about it!" he laughed out loud. "But I could hear you all day long. And I eventually began to like it myself. It got me thinking that we're so insignificant. So small. It's kinda weird, though. And scary. But I guess it's kinda the point, isn't it?"

"So, yeah, you were like a shooting-star... but what is a shooting-star really? It's nothing but a lost star, right?" he paused as if Taehyung were to answer.

"Anyway, I had to write a song about this. It was messing with my system and I had to get it out. I had to get you out, but I couldn't..." he looked down. "I don't really want you, though", he breathed.

"So, this is still a raw version, but here it goes..."

Jeongguk closed his eyes and began to sing, his voice trembling with the first lines:

"Please don't see just a boy caught up in dreams and fantasies

Please see me reaching out for someone I can't see

Take my hand let's see where we wake up tomorrow

Best laid plans sometimes are just a one night stand

I'd be damned Cupid's demanding back his arrow

So let's get drunk on our tears and

God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young

It's hunting season and the lambs are on the run

Searching for meaning

But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?

Who are we? Just a speck of dust within the galaxy?

Woe is me, if we're not careful turns into reality

Don't you dare let our best memories bring you sorrow

Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer

Turn the page maybe we'll find a brand new ending

Where we're dancing in our tears and

God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young

It's hunting season and the lambs are on the run

Searching for meaning

But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?

I thought I saw you out there crying

I thought I heard you call my name

I thought I heard you out there crying

Just the same

But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?

But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?"

(link to the cover: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLzRQCIZrmE)

Jeongguk's voice slowly drifted off mixing with the low ruffle of the leaves being blown away by the wind. He raised from his spot and put a hand on the cold stone.

"I will always love you, Kim Taehyung. I hope to see your light again."