Peeking through Windows.

2

So, the family next door insisted that they send their children to greet our family, and of course, I have to be a part of the greeting. Usually, I would be ecstatic, but it's hard to be excited when you don't feel excited at all. My stomach keeps lurching, my heart has been hammering for two hours now. Everything seems to have a shade of grey, and it is scary. I know my anxiety is high today, I almost didn't want to get out of bed! I knew that I wouldn't, I scarcely ever do want to, but I have to work and push through it. At least that is what Mother says. She doesn't understand, no one does. I have only been diagnosed with depression, she wonders why I talk about having anxiety all the time when I haven't been diagnosed with it. You see, anxiety is the cousin of depression, that keeps deciding to visit and having a party in my head. Except it is a party that I do not want to be at, but I am there anyway. Depression is like you are constantly moving forward, but you're going nowhere, and anxiety is the thing pulling you back. Mother tells me to keep moving forward, but I can't keep moving forward when there is so much holding me back!

The door bell rings four times, the person ringing it is probably very childish. My Mother runs to the door and opens it with one of her award-winning smiles that she saves only for visitors, my sister is stood next to her, her entire face plastered in makeup, and then I am there stood behind them, my hands shaking and my eyes darting back and forth around the kitchen. "Oh come in, come in! You must be the children! I'm Susan and this is my daughter Cynthia and my oldest daughter Emily." She greets them in a cheerful way, I wonder how she does it. Cynthia smiles at them, a fake smile, one that doesn't meet her eyes. She doesn't like them, she has decided that they won't be popular. I don't bother to smile, I just wave. The girl from earlier grins at me and waves her hand in greeting. "Hi!I'm Jada, these are my younger brothers Emmanuel and Xavier, it's nice to meet you Miss Susan, Cynthia, Emily. My Mother made you a cake, I wouldn't eat it, though, it smells rotten, she can't bake to save her life." Mother laughs and invites them in for tea, Jada yells out to her Mother and she replies with a sure. "Yeah, that's okay." Great...

It turns out that Jada, Emmanual and Xavier are all from Africa but moved to Norway when they were very young and then moved to England a few months ago. Jada mentioned that she liked the girls around here better, they were a lot more attractive than those that she lived near in Norway apparently. My sister definitely didn't like her, you could tell by the sour look on her face. I barely talked for the first half of the meal, just listening to what they were saying. "Why don't you tell them a bit about yourself, Emily?" I sigh, placing my fork down on my plate and nervously lacing my fingers together. "My name is Emily Greene, I'm 15, was diagnosed with Depression, have anxiety and insomnia, I stay inside, I haven't left the house since I was 12, I like writing and reading and looking through windows. I don't have a favourite colour and my favourite animal in a fox. I come from Canada." I finish, picking up my fork again and continuing to eat. My Mother and Sister are obviously embarrassed that one of the first things I mentioned were my problems. Jada laughs, it was so un-feminine, her hands holding her stomach, and her snorting a few times in between laughs. "Well, at least your interesting!" She exclaims as soon as her laughing ceases. I smile a little.

The William's children leave, and I can feel myself relax quickly. Jada was the last to go out, giving me a wink and a slip of paper with her number on it. She said nothing, just strolled out casually. She turned around once and waved to me, my Mother and Sister were somewhere else, talking about her day at school. "It was fine, my boyfriend got to..." I start to ignore her, having no care for what one of her boyfriends did. My Mother listens intently,  nodding along to some of the things my sister said. I finally leave, not being able to take the sound of their chatter and the sounds in my head at the same time, and I can't get rid of the sounds in my head, so it's best to leave the sound of talking. I go into the Conservatory, the setting sun causing colours to spin around me. The achromatic essence of the usually boring cream walls made everything so much more beautiful and bearable. I take my phone out of my pocket along with the slip of paper, my contacts list only includes Cynthia and Mother. I press to add a contact, and speedily type in her name and main details, her phone number is easy to remember, which is good. I stare at the screen for a good 10 minutes, my mind racing. What if she meant for me to give this to my sister? What if she was only messing around? I quickly press text and type one in, trying to ignore the little what if's in my head.

Hey, it's Emily. 

That was the first text I wrote, I buried my head in a cushion on the sofa, but a quiet ding makes me decide to face the world again.

Hey, how are you?

Oh my god! She actually replied; I type a text mindlessly.

I'm okay, kind of freaking out over the fact that you text back like, but I'm okay.

God that was stupid.

Lol, you're funny Miss Emily Greene, I can not help but think, though, that in all your wonderful glory, that you are rather a lonely young woman.

I smile, this was a good conversation. Actually, it's the only proper conversation I've had in a while that doesn't include me just saying I'm fine. Jada is finally shedding a little light on my dark room, and for once, the light isn't fake. It's welcome here, I want it to stay.

Not that it matters.