Her mind..

for hurting...

My biggest mistake:
Never let someone be the soul reason you're happy, once they are it comes crashing down like a wave; slowly as the realization hits and the smacks hard against the shore. The most beautiful pain. The most vicious predator.

Forget me:
Forget me
forget the way I looked at you with my brown eyes completely in love with the depth of your beauty, not only in physical appearance, your insides were the most exquisite forms of being I had ever experienced, your beauty radiated just as the sun radiates warmth that the rays emit all over the lands. Forget the way I said your name, my lips curving into a smile that turned into a grin, forget my laugh, the way it was soft and then turned louder then into silence again, forget me, forget everything about me, I never want to hear my name pass through those lips again, make it easier for the both of us, run away while you're still alive, before it gets you, before love tears you down as it had brought you up, forget how it had been the only reason for your smile, find a new reason. I can't be your reason anymore darling.

The pieces of my heart:
I can't tell which way my heart is tugging me in
each note sounding a bit different in a unique tune
a melody I'm not sure fits within my own
our melodies intertwine, symphonies harmonize
I play each note one by one trying to hear which one sounds right
strum,strum, strum, over and over the choice overwhelms me
which direction should my heart be in? Which piece should I follow?
a choice that could decide an entire future.

What is this feeling?:
It scares me when I feel something and I don't know what it is or the cause for it, am I in love? Rejected? Heartbroken? or is this simply numb, this state of pain scares me, how will I ever know how it feels to be okay If I can't even tell one pain from another. Am I smiling but unhappy? Is my smile even real, everytime something happens I question if I have felt the full extensions of pain until now, so much love is wasted in this world and give to undeserving people

Pain is love:
pain wasn't beautiful they said, society makes it seem beautiful they said, I couldn't help but see the beauty in pain, not the image of a girl falling apart on the ground or a guy writing a million texts that he fails to send, but realizing how much you loved that person and realizing you are capable of love and will get that kind of love in return someday, that is what's beautiful about pain, it brings hope and new beginnings, that tear that rolls down your cheek, represents him or her slipping from your life, one step closer to letting go, one step closer to being okay again. pain is beauty and beauty is pain, pain is beautiful in every image, it hurts like hell but at least it makes you feel alive, pain may consume you, but one day you'll consume the pain, swallowing that once bitter taste that is now a sugar pill, as you smile tasting that sweet placebo, you are cured, you are over him. You are whole.

Memories of you:
memories never change, maybe that's why I held you so dear, maybe that's why I couldn't move on, you were so good to me in my memory yet the reality so tragic, two lovers one loved, the other, loving. It was never a two way street no matter where she turned, never reciprocated. She walked the world for years only to find that within her soul, she acquired more love, more friendships and more longing to be loved the way she loved.

You left me:
you were the fairytale without a happy ending
our stories clashes
once to be together but never again
you left as quick as you came

Only in my dreams:
in my dreams I trace your fingertips
match our hands together
our hands did not fit as they should have
maybe that is why you left
I believed in loving you
you believed in loving someone else
maybe there will be another that hands fit perfectly into my own
that never touch another's while they are with me

Pretending is key:
I wish that every time I saw things that reminded me of you
I wouldn't have to pretend to be okay
the sadness within me dwells and overtakes me

Him:
everytime you came back into my life
I felt pain, the physical kind
Seeing how great your life is without me makes my knees weak
not the good kind with the butterflies
but the kind where I don't know if my feet will support me
The kind where I know I'll end up a crying mess on the floor for days
and when you leave it's even worse
it gets past pain
it becomes numb where you wonder if you've actually felt anything real before
where you get used to the pain people have left you with
it doesn't phase you anymore
where when you think something is going right and you pray to God that you won't end up hurt the next time but as he strolls by he has no intentions of staying
He only imagines himself leaving with your heart
leaving you emotionless and empty.
that smirk of his, plastered on his face as he knew he won, he took over you, made you fall and guess what? He feels no remorse at all.

I was thinking of you:
when I was with him I knew it wasn't love
when I let him close to me
all I could think about was getting back at you
tearing your heart out like you once tore mine
all is fair in love and war isn't it?
our love was both a battleground and a field of flowers
you see even in the tough times of deaths the poppies grew giving hope
what I had with you gave me hope that I would feel something stronger with another
my heart will go on and if it doesn't
at least I would have died loving
even if it was loving you.

It was beautiful:
as the tears dripped down my face
my mind overfilled with thoughts of you it was beautiful I didn't know I could care about someone so deeply until I laid eyes on you
I didn't know pain until you left
I didn't know sadness until I looked into your eyes and I didn't know fear until I was holding your hand and you let go.

A letter to you, you know who you are:
I remember the last time we spoke, my heart beating fast as you returned after being gone for so long, I remember the devastating feeling of a passionate wildfire turning into a small sizzle put out by the outcomes of our fates. My small smile so only faded when you told me you'd be gone soon, the way your lips moved as you told me you had no time anymore, you see I put aside every spare moment for you only to find that you merely had put me aside for another girl. I can still hear her name ringing in my ear like a death march Octavia Octavia. The way that name rolled off your tongue I wanted to be sick, I didn't care that you told me she was only a friend before I knew, I knew it, and you wouldn't listen to me. So many nights I had spent warning you of her and you told me to trust you. I trusted you and you let me down, broke me, shattered my heart day after day. I waited a month for you to return, I barely spoke to a single soul within that month let alone a guy, and I find out within the first week you left you kissed her. How could I ever forgive you? How could part of my heart still love you? How the hell could you throw our love away like that leaving me a mess on the ground. You didn't care and you still don't I know it's been a year with my heart shattered by you, but I still love you, somewhere deep within but I think about you less and less and it's rare you even pass through my mind. It's hard to believe what we had was real when you threw it away that night. you never treated me right anyway, you would spend less and less time with me and maybe that's why I'm scared now every time I spend a day away from a guy, because just like you they apologize but I pray that they don't follow your path by slowly fading out of my life.

The only thing I've ever known:
the more pain my dreams withheld, the more real they felt.

The fire burnt out:
how do you know if you're supposed to fight to be together or fade away and fall apart all for the other's happiness? do you let them grow and then come back to you while you wither in wonder if they're ever going to return. You may lie awake counting the stars, how far are they apart ? are you counting the same stars as me yet getting further away? our stars hold hold the truth, as you stare into each one forgetting the inner depth of my being. Shining brightly but not quite as bright as I ever shone for you. You were my favourite stars to look at, at night. My shooting star, only impaled by the fire of our love burning out.

Game over:
breathe shaky, the warmth regaining in my limbs, you threw this all away over what? your own happiness? Maybe it's better you'd save yourself anyways. I'd always remember you saying how you'd take a bullet for me but now I drown in the ocean of your lies. Your words now mean nothing, what's there left to say? I'm in the most tragic pain as you're they're laughing. You win I guess, game over.