Existential Me

Chapter 8

I went on a date with Piper, an actual date like going out to a restaurant date. It was nice and we talked a lot but she didnt like talking about life which is something I always think about but everyone is different so I should expect her to think about the same things that I do. The date went well but she just kept talking about how attractive I was and yeah don't get me wrong it's nice to hear but I know for a fact I'm average at best and I'd like to think I'm more than just attractive. She's very intelligent and very outgoing, I liked learning more and more about her but I just didn't feel a connection and I actually noticed the same on my next date with Daniel. Maybe I was going numb again, maybe I was scared on entering a new relationship with someone, I don't know but I just didn't feel connected to either of them. It's usually my fault when something goes wrong and Piper noticed I'd gone distant and said she couldn't be with someone like that which is fair enough because I'd like for her to be happy and if that means not being with me then I'm okay with that, I didn't really want to lead her on for me to then realise I didn't want to be with her anyway. As for Daniel, he didn't notice something was wrong until I had gone completely empty except rather than leave he stayed to help. "even if you don't have much interest in me I care about you now, I'm not just going to abandon you" I sat there thinking about how unfair this was on him and how people just shouldn't get to know me or befriend me because I'm more hassle than I'm worth, I'm better off alone. I was walking home from seeing him and my mind was racing, it was nice having someone care and want to help but at the same time I don't do very well with help, I deal with stuff alone it's just what I've always done, I get through my problems myself but he really insisted on helping so I told him I'll think about it but chances are I won't let him help because there really is nothing he can do but be there, words don't usually help and throwing solutions at me make me feel worse, as though I'm a problem needing to be fixed, which I'm not, I have problems but I myself am not a problem.