Existential Me

Chapter 3

I couldn't get over what that guy said, stop thinking, please if i could i would, do you have any idea how annoying it is to be trapped inside your own freaking head? i question everything i do because i stop and think about it, i panic over little things because I'm over-analytical, one word or one action can make me freak out because i'll feel like i did something wrong and 9 times out of 10 i was worried for no reason but because i know that there is no need to worry doesn't necessarily mean I'm not going to. I hate being the way i am but i can't change or i suppose I'm not willing to change it because I'm so used to being this way and i fear change, i don't like things being different if I'm okay with how they once were, I'm just awkward that way so therefore I'm basically a giant inconvenience. Anyways i hope i don't have to work that horrific bar again, i can't stand being around alcoholics and drunk people, i prefer my little cafe job because even though its full of old people and it isn't very busy, its cosy in a way, it relaxes me i guess and to be honest I'm just glad I'm no longer in school, i hated school, teachers moaning and thinking they deserve respect when in reality they demand it yet show students none and homework was terrible, spending hours on something that can literally put you to sleep. Id rather be working although i do want to take up a psychology course and yes i know, why is someone as messed up as me interested in psychology but maybe thats why it interests me, i like the idea of understanding someones mind, getting to know their behaviour and how its controlled, i find it fascinating, especially mental illness, i suppose its because I'm not too right in the head, i mean I've not been diagnosed but i kinda get highs and lows because believe it or not i can have a good time and laugh and smile and joke around and those are usually my high moments but then i get lows which make me feel empty, isolated, scared and i feel like crying for no reason and it literally feels like I'm dead inside and i get these highs and lows a couple times a day but i live with it, you see i don't address problems instead i bottle up most of my emotions or try and hide them but it doesn't end well.

I finally had a day off but me being me i still get up at 7, although thats kind of a lie in for me, i do my usual routine of coffee and then some toast and then back to my bedroom. I don't really watch a lot of TV i usually sit on youtube or Netflix, i prefer to watch gaming youtubers and before you sit there and judge me saying "why would you watch someone play a game when you could play it yourself?" because why the hell would you watch football or rugby or any other sport when you can play it yourself and personally i find the youtubers hilarious and its my personal preference so it doesn't really matter what you think because each to their own. i do like other things though, i mean i like movies but so do most people and i like to draw occasionally, I'm not great but its a way to express myself i guess, to actually get my thoughts and ideas onto paper. As usual i waste my days off but i ran down to the cafe to get my tips for the week and sitting at the table in the corner is Daniel, i didn't pay much attention in fact i was about to leave but hey saw me and got up "hey, funny running into you here" he laughed nervously "i work here and you've been waiting on me haven't you?" even the dumbest person could figure that out "yeah but i just wanted to thank you for the free drink" he seemed rather timid "suuureee, you waited all day at my work just to say thanks for a free drink" i raised my eyebrow at him suspiciously, he sighed "okay fine, i wanted to know if you'd like to go for a coffee?" was he asking me out, like on a date? i don't know if i could handle that, my last relationship didn't go too well and thats because i don't do relationships well plus didn't he just break up with his girlfriend? "didn't you just get out of a relationship?" i asked "well yeah but maybe we could just be friends for the moment? and then maybe we could date?" his voice wavered and was practically a whisper when saying date, i gave in, he was quite attractive and cute too "sure but you realise we are in a coffee shop right?" he looked around a bit flustered "yeah, so here then?" so we sat down and talked for hours.