Because of you (Demi Lovato fan fiction)

Silence

Today I have to say goodbye to them. "I can't wait to have you back in Austria"! Jody says hugging me at the airport. "Only four months darling and I am all yours!" I answer. "Bye bubble!" I say and pull Lucas in a hug. "Bye teddy!" I hate it when he calls me teddy and he knows that exactly. "Lucas! Stop it!"

Lucas had an appendectomy five years ago. I was really worried because we were at the mall when his stomachache got so bad that he started crying. Minutes later he passed out. The ambulance brought him to the hospital. During his surgery I was so nervous and crying all the time, that I went to this little gift shop and bought him a pink stuffed pony. I waited next to his bed after his surgery. He woke up and I was asleep in the chair. He woke me up by saying "But I want a pink teddy bear! Bring me a teddy!" He sounded like a three year old. "They had no teddy! But if you want to, I can be your teddy to cuddle with until you are feeling better!" I crawled into his bed and carefully cuddled with him to make him and myself feel better. And since them he likes to rag me by calling me teddy. "We love you Justine, we are so proud of you! Can't wait to have you back!" they say during a group hug. "You guys are the best friends I could ever ask for. I love you too and thank you for everything!" I really love them!

After another hug they walked towards security check and I drove back to my flat.

Demi

The last three weeks were really, really rough. I came back to the hotel that night. Nobody was expecting me back so I went to bed. My only thought was Justine and the words she told me. I was drunk but I understood every single word. And she was right. I was rolling around from one side of the bed to the other. Over and over again. Unable to sleep, unable to stop crying. Thousands of thoughts in my mind kept me awake. I felt terrible, sad, depressed, alone, guilty. I didn't know what to do, where to go! I was so afraid to cope with all of my feelings. I wanted something to release, but I was sure, that this would make everything worse. I tried my best to stay strong. Hours later I got up and I went over to my suitcase. I opened it and grabbed for a little book. I flipped the pages until I found what I was looking for.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."

I read those lines over and over again until I finally fell asleep.

Days later back in LA I sat my team down around the table in the office. I asked my family to join me as well. Only Madison wasn't there. They watched me concerned. I was nervous and I sweat. I looked terrible and I had a lump in my throat. "What do you want to tell us?" Nikki asked me after a long silence.

And then I started talking. I was really honest and open. I told them everything, every time I relapsed, about the alcohol, the purging, my anxiety attacks, Wilmer, my shame and guilt.  I was crying my heart out  and talked for a very long time. "I want to be healthy again. I need to be healthy again. No more lies. No more hiding. I want that, so bad. And I beg you to help me get there."

They looked at me, there was no dry eye. They stayed silent the whole time, listening carefully. My dad was the first who hugged me. Tears streaming down his face. "I love you so much. I am sorry, I didn't notice anything. I want you to be happy. To be that happy giggling little girl that once had so much fun in her life and that had all those wonderful dreams she wanted to achieve. I promise you to help you get through this again. I am not disappointed or mad at you. Believe me honey, we all want the best for you. Thank you for talking to us. I am so incredibly proud of you. I am proud to call you my daughter. I love you, Demi!" I was speechless. Feeling his arms around me, all of my fear disappeared immediately. "I love you too, dad! Thank you for everything!"

I don't remember how long we sat there together and planned my recovery. Again. We all agreed that I don't go back into rehab. But we organized people to watch me, to talk with me and to guide me in a very professional way. And then I started fighting. Every day was a battle but now, three weeks later there is a first feeling of recreation. Everytime I had the feeling of drinking, purging or what ever I coped with so long, I asked for help. I talked to my team, my family and my therapist. I talked, talked, cried, fought, cried and talked. It was exhausting and really bad. But it got better every day. Little steps, but steps forwards. I was so proud every day before I went to bed. I thanked god for my strength, but at most I thanked myself for not giving up, for fighting, for looking forward, for accepting my feelings and not hiding them anymore.

I am on my tour through South America and I enjoy being on the stage. More than ever I have the feeling to breath and being free.

But I am so afraid to call Justine. I never thought that she would take it so serious but she didn't contact me. I want to tell her about my recovery so far and that I am sober since the day I left her flat. March 15th, my second birthday. I am so proud of myself. What if she decided to go on without me in her life? I can't blame her for that. But after my return to LA I will try to call her. Maybe there is a chance to tell her how sorry I am and how much her words affected me.

 Justine

April elapsed really quick. Spring was back and I enjoyed being outside. Everything started to grow and I really love the spring.  I started to play Tennis again and was jogging twice a week. I forced myself to go out and get to know new people. I was trying my best to amuse myself. But Demi didn't get out of my mind. No matter what I tried. I heard in the radio that she is in South America right now performing shows. And Lucas mailed me an article about her at the beach talking with some guys, smiling, having fun.

I felt really happy for her, but not for me. She looked better and fitter but I might hurt her with my words because she still did not try to contact me. Maybe I told her too much but I was so mad and hurt at that moment. Maybe it's for the best anyways. I am leaving America in August and our connection was so strong that this goodbye would have caused a lot of pain for both of us. I tried to persuade that to myself and concentrated myself on work and having fun in New York. Jody tried to persuade me to call her, but I was just too afraid. I also tried to ignore everything she told me about the "You have feelings for her - story". It is just not true. Yes, I have feelings for her, but in a different way. She is incredible. I like her so much, but she is no love interest. That would cause too much drama anyways.

May 2012

Demi

I am back in LA and had an amazing time in South America. I feel better and stronger and I know that this time I will stay strong, sober and healthy. So far so good. The only thing I still have to fix is the friendship with Justine. I am so afraid to talk to her. I tried to call her last evening but I couldn't. I haven't heard her voice for over a month now. I miss her so much. I told Marissa everything about, well, our "talk". It was more like a speech from Justine and Marissa was really impressed. "She knows how to talk with you!" Yes, that's true, she knows exactly what to tell me. Every time I was with her she found the right words to calm me down, cheer me up, make me laugh and of course to get my ass up.

I want to tell her so many wonderful things that are going to happen to me. I am a new judge on "The X-factor"! I am so excited about that. My relationship with my family is so much better now. No more lies, no more hiding. I want to share that all with her. And I want her to share her moments with me too!

 - A week later -

I am sitting on my bed, biting my nails. My palms are sweaty. Marissa did good work. She motivated me over and over again to call Justine. She saw how much I've missed her. Now I am about to call her. After six long weeks. It is so crazy though because I didn't meet her many times. But she is like my soulmate and guardian angel. I can't let her go.

I scroll for her name in my contact list. And finally I am brave enough to call her.

J: "Demi?"