QUIET // c.g

dreams

13
only you?

carl

It's 3:30am and I can't stop tossing and turning. I keep thinking about Zoe and how she is and if I want to see her or not. I read a couple more letters after waking up so much. They were all different. Different feelings for different days. Some days she was doing great, other days she talks about how bad it hurts and she doesn't know how to stop the pain with killing herself.

October 18,2015

Dear Carl,

It's my favorite month of the year! Im bummed that I don't get to dress up or go out and raise some hell on Halloween night but they've got a bunch of old Halloween movies that they are going to play on movie night for those who have been good. I've been good. I haven't been over sleeping or staying in my room. I actually get to go outside and help out with the garden. My psychiatrist is nice I guess, they don't drug me like the do the rest of the kids here because they think I can help myself be cured. I really miss you Carl.

Much love xx Zoe

Other days, she writes about how awful she's doing, and how much it hurts. This letter was the day before they out her in meds.

Carl,

I don't think I can do it anymore. It hurts so much not being able to control what I think or say. I got upset at one of the nurses for offering me a desert, I don't know why. She was so nice about it. They put me in solitary for a little while and I screamed my lungs out. I kept hitting my head on the wall. I blacked out a little earlier but my doctor said I was speaking too much of death and scaring the other patients. I see my psychiatrist again tomorrow morning. I don't know how much longer I can last. If I die... I want you to know that you will be the first and only boy I have ever let into my heart.

Much love xx Zoe

I feel really bad that she had to go through all this. I ended up falling back into a deep sleep soon after reading that letter.

"Carl? Carl? Where are you?" I hear I soft voice giggle. But not just any soft voice. I look around to find the voice and notice I'm in a garden.

"There you are!" I hear and turn my head to the right and see Zoe as bright and beautiful as ever. She's wearing a  sun dress with her hair in waves and her feet bare. She jumped into my arms and I hugged her in disbelief. Not ever wanting to let her go

"Zo, I missed you so much" I say trying to choke back the tears and enjoy the moment.

The sky soon turned dark and cries emerged in my ears as the flowers around us died. Zoe whales.

"why did you leave me to die? Don't you love me"

I pull away and look at Zoe, her face sunken in and her color turning lifeless. She looks almost dead.

I back away from her in fear

"What's wrong Carl? Why are you backing away" she says and starts crying

"Please don't leave me here to die. PLEASE" she yells

I shoot up from my bed as beads of sweat drip from my face as I take heavy breathes. Now that was a fucking nightmare.