Scarred | ✔

Chapter 20: You're Wasted.

Sitting at the bonfire, with James and everybody else dancing to the beat of the song and laughing their hearts out. It just felt right.

I peered at James to find him looking at me too. This time he stared so intently, clearly melting me in my place. I locked my gaze to his secretly trying to figure out what the deal with him was. Just there, he staring at me caused my heart into tingles. Just his presence there. Be the squeeze of his hand to mine or the slightest chuckle he passed to me, it was all probably the most simple gestures in the world of James, but for me; it was all worth it. Maybe I was just trying to accept him in my life after all he'd done in such a short span of time.

You unraveled me just with your presence James.

I sighed.

But why, why me? You could choose any other person on this planet to make her feel so special but you don't even have the slightest idea what you're doing to me. All of this must be so normal for you but I'm having these tingles and weird feelings for the first time.

With Adrian, it was just my first time. Now I won't even call that special because it wasn't. If anyone does make me feel different in a good way, that's James. Feeling secure with someone is the world's best feeling according to me, and James makes me feel that.

But I don't want to feel that. I'm just not ready to feel all of this with having the same hesitance all the way that I'll get hurt again. Do I trust him? I don't know.

He's just making things way too complicated for me. I need Melanie for suggestions but I can't even vent to her right now.

I hate it. If you really wanted to be my friend, couldn't you just stay a friend and not make me doubt my feelings for you?

Well you don't even know what you're doing to me. I don't know what you see in me. I'm just a plain girl. I stopped wearing glasses and putting up a bun before even realizing what I'm doing.

You just came and now I'm realizing what you've done to me. I can't even push you away because I'm being used to your weird presence.

I stood up and started walking and walking until I reached beside a lake. I sat down with tears in my eyes.

There was a bottle of vodka lying at the ground beside me half empty. I picked it up without thinking and uncovered the cap drinking it.

It was so bitter that I made a weird face and closed my eyes at an instinct. Why do people even drink these things?

But I was so misguided by my feelings that without thinking I kept on gulping the shots. My face was red by the time I finished the bottle and threw it in the lake. I didn't drink this much ever. It was starting to get into my brain.

I looked up at the sky, at the stars so infinite that I was completely lost in their gaze. For a moment, I forgot everything. James, Melanie, Conan and Adrian. Everything. I was so in peace not thinking about any of them.

"You know what? I have no one to share stuff with now. I don't even know what's happening to me, either things are falling into place or falling out of my hands. Nothing ever works my way, or does it?"
I huffed.

"I want to be one of you." I said pointing at the shiniest star. It must be Venus.

"I want to be you, I want to be where you are so I can see everybody from there and I could see other people messing their lives too, so I won't feel like the only lost soul."

"How can you shine so bright? You don't have any worries right? That is why you're so happy that you glow all the time."

I laughed at my logic. God, my head hurts. My vision blurred for a second but I kept it to the star. My neck started to hurt now.