Reawakening

Chapter Two

"Is this about that report Jeanine Matthews released?" my mother says.  I stay quiet.  I already know what the report was about.  

My father sighs.  His eyes narrow.  "Yes.  Those arrogant, self-righteous--" He stops and clears his throat.  "Sorry.  But she released a report attacking Marcus's character... that Marcus's violence and cruelty toward his son are the reason he chose Dauntless instead of Abnegation."

At the mention of Tobias, my stomach clenches.  Tomorrow, I can see him.  With that thought, I have butterflies in my stomach.  

"That poor man," Mom says.  "As if he needs to be reminded of his loss."

"Of his son's betrayal, you mean?  I shouldn't be surprised at this point.  The Erudite have been attacking us with these reports for months.  And this isn't the end.  There will be more, I guarantee it."  

I couldn't help speaking up last time either, but this time I can't help speaking about something different.  I can't stand to let him talk that way about Tobias.  "What do you mean about Tobias's betrayal?  Aren't we supposed to pick the place we fit?  Faction before blood?  If this wasn't the life that was right for him, what's wrong with him transferring to the faction where he belongs?  It's his life, he's the one that has to live it."  I bite my cheek to keep from saying anything about Marcus.  

My father looks at me with wide eyes, his mouth hanging open.  Even for me-- I've always been more outspoken than the typical Abnegation-- that little outburst was not normal.

My parents stare at me like they're not sure how to answer.  I suppose the reason no one ever transfers out of Abnegation is because we are raised to be selfless, to never just think of ourselves.  I sigh.  "It just seems to me that Choosing Day is when you should think of yourself.  It's when you get to stop trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.  There isn't a chance to change it later."

"But it is selfish to choose for yourself rather than others," my father reminds me.

"Isn't it also selfish to expect someone to choose the rest of their life for you instead of for themselves?" I am challenging him far more than I should.  However, I suppose when I choose Dauntless tomorrow, this conversation will all make perfect sense.  

My father looks how I imagine he would if I had just slapped him in the face: completely stunned.  He cocks his head to the side and bites his lip, just like I do when I am thinking.  I got that from him.  "That is an interesting perspective, Beatrice," he finally says.  "If either of you were to transfer I would miss you very much.  I hope you don't.  I will always love you, though, no matter what your choice is."

I smile.  That was what I needed to hear from him.  "I will choose the place where I can be the best version of me," I assure him.  He smiles at me, but it doesn't reach his eyes.  My mother reaches out and strokes my hair softly, a warm, sad smile on her face.  She knows I'll leave.  I think she has always known.

After dinner, my parents again do the dishes so Caleb and I be alone to think about our choice.  I don't really need to think about my choice, but I do need to think about everything that comes after it.

At the top of the stairs, I stop Caleb, instead of him stopping me.  I can't look at him without remembering how he betrayed me in Erudite, even if he technically hasn't done that yet.  I hardly know who he is anymore.  "Caleb, I want you to know that I love you.  Choose what is right for you, but once you do... never forget who you were.  There is good in bad in every faction, and you can use every virtue for good or for evil.  Remember to choose the good."  I leave him standing in the hall, closing my bedroom door behind me.