The Evil Conspiracy of Cinnamon Rolls

Prologue

Cinnamon rolls are a strange mystery of the modern world. They lie suspiciously in wait in the dark alleys of the supermarket, until unsuspecting buyers take them home and let evil forces infiltrate their safe domain. And as you happily swallow your delicious treat, maleficent eyes watch your every move. They have been in league with dark forces since the dawn of time: junk food and pollution and all the rest of those things that make milk curdle at night and give you nightmares while you sleep. The kind of things the most valiant soldier would quake at, that the devil worships, that leaders of nations whisper about. They hatch evil plans from their innocent coils and sweet taste. And now I present, in its full-scale horror, the evilness, the darkness, and the strength of the evil conspiracy of cinnamon rolls. They have developed mysterious powers, like rendering you obese or ruining your appreciation for other foods with addiction for cinnamon rolls. I warn you now: DO NOT BE FOOLED- They brainwash you, pull you in until there is no escape. Never again buy cinnamon rolls.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED...

Charlotte's hand moved closer to the bag of cinnamon rolls in the grocery store. A dozen pairs of red eyes watched her in wait. Each bag hoped that they would be chosen, that they could fulfill their evil duties, but no one really expected to be chosen. They all knew that Malefikus and his posse would be chosen. He was the most attractive, curliest, most tasty-looking cinnamon roll in the store. By the same token, he was the most evil, hateful one too, and most bags escaped his fiery wrath when they could, even if they were almost as fear-inducing as him. The innocent woman grabbed the bag, and Malefikus and his posse disappeared with her. Back at Charlotte's house, Malefikus was watching her with his sinister glare as she bustled around the kitchen, putting groceries on shelves and washing dishes.

" Oh well, it couldn't hurt to have a treat after all this hard work," she said with a smile. And it came with no surprise when she opened the bag of cinnamon rolls and selected Malefikus. His posse watched as her eyes went red with greed as the usual symptoms for cinnamon roll addiction began to appear. It only takes one to set it off, and Malefikus was an excellent one for the job. As his juices started to run in her blood, she hungrily moved her hand back towards the bag, searching to quell the fake hunger blossoming within her. Vicious, Malefikus' second in command, smiled as he contacted the all-father. Their work here was done...

Charlotte patted her overweight stomach after downing a 34th bag of cinnamon rolls. She had lost her job when her employer had caught her snacking in a serious conference, and her landlord did not want crumbs all over her flat. She was forced to live on a park bench and lose her job, all because of the conspiracy...

I was forced into a dark room. The only lighting were the hundreds of pairs of red eyes watching my every move in the underground cavern. My hands were tied behind me. As an enemy of the Conspiracy, I was not being accorded the least bit of freedom. A gigantic throne stood in front of me, made from gold and sugar, but it was turned around so I couldn't see the person, if it was a person, in it. Mindless red-eyed addicted human slaves scuttled around it, with maps and battle plans that the Resistance would love to get their hands on. I would have to do my best to escape with those. Slowly, the throne started to turn. After decades, centuries, millennia, a Resistant would finally see the face of the leader of the cinnamon rolls, The Cinnamon Fairy Godroll, the All-Father. The throne finished its half-revolution. Before me sat a big, no huge, no colossal, cinnamon roll. It outclassed other cinnamon rolls by miles, it was so attractive that my mouth began to water at the sight of it. But I strengthened my resolve. The Resistance had made me take an oath to never give in, so I would not, not even to the All-Father. This was the leader of the Conspiracy, a being twisted and warped that had been terrorizing for millennia. I was in the presence of something so inexplicably wicked, I could feel pure animalistic primitive terror in my bones. Then it spoke.

" Jacob "The cinnamon crusader" Mansfield, you have been arrested on the power of the Conspiracy for outright treason, rebellion, and theft of important documents. You are sentenced to full,

                                    absolute,

                                                    dominion. "

      This was the worst punishment of all. Corruption. The mindless slaves began to walk towards me with a cinnamon roll. I knew what was coming. But before I became a red-eyed, I had to know.

"Why?"

"Excuse me?" it said.

"Why are you so evil? What started the millennia of hate, sinister behaviour and just pure evilness?"

"If only you could relate. Do you know how it feels to prepare your whole life for one moment, only to have you dreams crushed by your worst enemy on that day? No. I had spent all my life preparing to be chosen as the best pastry in the first baking competition. Humans were in awe of our greatness, and flocked to choose the best one of us. I knew I would win. But at the last moment, my archenemy cheated, and he was chosen as The Best Pastry Ever. He wasn't even one! I decided to have my revenge on him and the puny humans who dared accept his treachery! I would show them who should have won that competition! My very name would send chills down your puny spines!"

"But I have one question. Who was he?"

"The Bretzel. Dry, disgusting, and salty. Not even a pastry at all. But what is going on! You are trying to distract me! Slaves, CORRUPT HIM!

I knew my final moments as a conscious being were over. I hope I have told you enough. Join the Resistance. Fight the All-Father. Spread the word. I wish you good luck. I wish I was there with you. Free the world of the tyranny of the Conspiracy...